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5 Hair Care Tips for Men

POSTED: July 20, 2014 1:00 p.m.
asmrmassage, YouTube/

Start with the follicles. Each strand of hair on your head begins life inside a follicle.

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Your hair speaks volumes about you and your lifestyle. Women are attracted to men with great manes of well-kept and abundant hair. How can you obtain and maintain such beautiful and attractive hair? Read on, my hirsute wannabe, and you shall be enlightened:

Start with the follicles. Each strand of hair on your head begins life inside a follicle. It goes through 3 stages; anagen, catagen, and telogen. In the anagen stage the cells that create hair strands are very active and aggressive; they thrust their way up on your scalp to produce luxurious thatches of gorgeous hair. In the catagen stage the hair is cut off from the follicle’s blood supply and remains dormant, giving your hair a dry, lackluster appearance. In the telogen stage the hair simply gives up the ghost and detaches from the follicle, falling like a mighty oak in the forest. Obviously, you want your hair to stay in the anagen phase. To do that you must continually stimulate the hair follicles, to keep them wide awake and active. You should have a professional scalp massage at least once a week. It you can’t make it in to a professional, a rototiller applied to the top of the scalp for 10 minutes will do just as well.

Avoid greasy hair creams and pomades. These clog the follicles and choke off the nutrient supply to the hair strand. To keep your hair in place and styled you can use a mixture of one part paraffin to two parts rubbing alcohol. Spread this generously over your head and you’ll be known as Goldilocks – but stay away from open flames, or you’ll be known as the late Goldilocks.

Nourish your hair. Since hair is made up of keratin, the same substance your fingernails and toe nails are made of, you can nourish your hair by ingesting large quantities of gelatin, which is made from the boiled bones of bovines (that has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?) You should have eggs in aspic for breakfast, jellied calves feet for lunch, and homemade bone broth for dinner. Try shampooing with a mixture of gelatin and honey...go ahead, I DARE you! Nyaaaah...

How often do you brush your teeth? Well, you should brush your hair just as often, if not more! But don’t use the same brush for both activities. Your hairbrush should be made from the bristles of the Tasmanian boar, which is only found on the Kra Isthmus of the Malay Peninsula. Since it is an endangered species, harvesting the bristles is illegal. If found in possession of a Tasmanian boar bristle brush, you are subject to a prison term of not less than five years – so you’ll have lots of time to brush your crew cut.

Do not expose your hair to buzz saws, flamethrowers, weed whackers, pastry chefs, or agar-agar. And above all else, never date women named Delilah.

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