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The Folding Chair Conspiracy

POSTED: July 22, 2014 4:00 p.m.
Payton Porter, YouTube/

1. Folding chairs promote inequality. The world is rapidly dividing into those who set them up and then sit in them, as opposed to those who luxuriate in Adirondacks, bean bags, club chairs, deckchairs, Morris chairs, La-Z-Boys, wing chairs, and that most decadent of all fundament holders the chaise longue! The proletariats are not going to stand for sitting in folding chairs much longer. They will rise and snatch Windsor chairs and much more away from the privileged few and its not going to ...

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Have you noticed that Western Civilization is rapidly running out of steam? I can tell you why in just two words:

FOLDING CHAIRS.
The Western world has come to depend too much on folding chairs, and the results are going to be catastrophic. You may call me an armchair Cassandra, so to speak, but mark my words.

1.  Folding chairs promote inequality. The world is rapidly dividing into those who set them up and then sit in them, as opposed to those who luxuriate in Adirondacks, bean bags, club chairs, deckchairs, Morris chairs, La-Z-Boys, wing chairs, and that most decadent of all fundament holders – the chaise longue! The proletariats are not going to stand for sitting in folding chairs much longer. They will rise and snatch Windsor chairs and much more away from the privileged few – and it’s not going to be a pretty sight. The bourgeoisie are just going to have to tuffet out.

2.  How many fingers have been pinched off, or nearly so, by these perfidious folding chairs? Down through the ages men and women have had to struggle along, missing a bit of pinky or index finger, or nursing a black and blue digit. You think they are going to put up with that for much longer? Not likely.

3.  Folding chairs are a conspiracy fobbed off on the general public by a syndicate of chiropractors. After two hours of sitting in one even vertebrae made of cast iron becomes as twisted as a pretzel. Wooden or metal, they cause jumpy legs, knock knees, sloping shoulders, and a host of other malformations that are extremely debilitating. You can’t think straight while sitting in one. If Einstein had sat in one for two hours, we wouldn’t have the Theory of Relativity today---instead we’d have something along the lines of Gelett Burgess’ "I never saw a purple cow..

4.  "Folding chairs encourage regimentation, the kind that totalitarian governments drool over. Have you ever seen a thousand folding chairs lined up neatly in rows? It gets to you. It could make a Mussolini out of Santa Claus!

5.  The metal ones chill the fundament, leaving the body sluggish, the metabolism barely moving. In males they discourage procreation. In females they encourage gum chewing and gum snapping – both so abominable that even if the male had not gotten the grippe from sitting in a folding chair all day he would still not feel like becoming romantic. There goes the birth rate!

We must rid our land of these pestiferous chairs immediately! You can’t sleep in them, rock back and forth in them, or look for spare change – so what earthly good are they? They never biodegrade. I, for one, do not want to know what they are planning during all those long hours spent cooped up in a dank, dark closet.

I say we herd them all together, take ‘em out to sea, and dump ‘em into the Mariana Trench.

Tim grew up in the Midwest. His parents were from Norway. He now lives in Provo, Utah. He has written several novels and biographies He works in social media and is a content provider for the political humor bloghttp://iwritetheblogggs.com/

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