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Danger, danger Will Robinson
Ellen Lambert bw mug
Ellen Lambert

As usual, ladies and gents, I’ve received another email warning about the hazards of daily living that cause cancer.

Not one to be dismissive of such things (except global warming) or pooh-pooh anything that can cause the dreaded ‘C’ word, I feel like it is my duty to pass on the information I received. As you all know, I ain’t no rocket scientist, so there may be some truth to the information I’m about to unload on you.

Now, this is apparently an update from Johns Hopkins University, in which Edward Fujimoto did a study and found that we should not do the following:

• Use plastic containers to heat food in the microwave

• Put plastic water bottles in the freezer

• Use plastic wrap for anything in the microwave (Saran-wrap type wrap)

The reason for not doing these things is that they reportedly release dioxins from the plastic into the food/water and ultimately into the cells of our body, which can cause cancer. In particular, breast cancer.

It is recommended that if you must have a Stouffer’s Macaroni and Cheese dinner, remove it from the container it comes in and place in a Pyrex, Corning or otherwise glass or ceramic dish. Do not cover with plastic wrap, merely place a slightly wet paper towel over the dish. I would say you have to be careful even with paper towels, because you just don’t really know what’s in the paper towel.

It is also recommended that you take your soups, ramen, and whatever other dishes such as, and place them in the above recommended dishware, too.

Hey. If you can survive a diet of cup o’ noodles, you can survive anything. Do you know how much salt is in those things?? Or fat? Lordy! It’s what makes them taste so good...

I have passed this information on to you because the email told me to. It also said that if I passed it along to twelve friends, I would get whatever I happened to be wishing for at that moment. Sadly, the Frito Lay man did not appear at my door with a year-long supply of puffed Cheetos. Nor did the Little Debbie man stop and unload a supply of Swiss Cake Rolls. Not to worry though, I have passed this information along and my job, for the day, is done.
Remember when butter was supposed to cause cancer? Margarine? Microwave popcorn?

Hubs asked me one time why I never prepared green beans.

I replied, “Because they cause cancer!”

“Who told you that?” he quizzed.

“Anything that tastes as bad as green beans has to cause cancer,” was my retort.

There was also the statement a few years back that if you burned your burgers and chicken on the grill, they would cause cancer.

I remember thinking to myself, “What?” because, after all, that’s half the fun of eating grilled food!

We, for years, chawed through the ashy remnants of a lovely roast beastie after my father had cooked it for a day and a half. I gather now that it was akin to something like eating a half bag of charcoal every time I did it. Isn’t charcoal supposed to be a good filter for bad things?


It doesn’t matter what you eat or how you eat it, just remember: Everything in moderation. I know this because I could easily eat two of those Stouffer’s dinners in a sitting, but I always have to save room for the good stuff. Like water. In a plastic bottle.

My advice, take it or leave it, is this. If you’ve gotta nuke your food, have a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate along with it. They, according to yet another study, fight cancer. Let them duke it out in you system. With all the powerful antioxidants in chocolate and wine, you’re sure to live a long and happy life.

Ellen Lambert is a former Guyton resident.