Just when you thought you’d heard it all...and I know that there are plenty of you out there reading this that will say, after you’re done, “Hey! That sounds like so and so!” because there are more people out there like this than we want to admit.

Conspiracy theorists.

Buckets of ‘em in this country.

You know, they’re the people that are still blaming President Bush for Hurricane Katrina. Not the aftermath, you understand, but the hurricane itself. He made a phone call to his friends on the moon and asked them to cause a gravitational force like none we’d ever seen, simply because he probably didn’t get to watch “Girls Gone Wild: New Orleans,” so he thought he’d just blip it off the map.

Hey. Fine with me. New Orleans wasn’t all that great to begin with. Ever go there in the dead of summer and catch a wiff of that place? Like being downwind from the paper mill in Jesup. Stink stank diggitydank.

Don’t forget that John F. Kennedy was killed because he didn’t want to gamble down in Cuba, so the mob wasn’t gonna get a cut of that graft. There are many theories as to why Kennedy was gunned down. He was going to mandate integration. He was in the way of the FBI. Hoover didn’t like him. The mob didn’t like him. Marilyn Monroe’s boyfriend didn’t like him. Jackie O hired a hit man...what? You didn’t hear that one? Believe it my friend. Whoo, she was one jealous little country-club wife, that one. Could be that JFK hired a hit man to pop ol’ Jackie so he could get to Marilyn, but the shooter slipped on a pencil in the book depository. Whoops. Sorry, Mr. President.

Yeah. That makes more sense.

I know this guy who swears he’s been implanted with a tracking device and that the government talks to him all the time through that tracking device. He says they are at it 24/7 and that they know all his moves. He was instructed by Art Bell, the king of conspiracy theories, to wear a colander of some sort, or wrap his head in tin foil. Yeah, that’s what you want to wear to a job interview. Well, I guess it goes without saying that he can’t get a job interview ... it would be hard to hear what your boss is saying over the people in your head. He’s had MRIs and all that stuff done and of course, the doctors can find nothing wrong. I told him to just pony up for a psychic. There are tons of them across the country that would happily take his money. If that fails, he can always go down to Mexico and have an exorcism done. It might not work, but he could add another voice to the menagerie he’s already got, and it would make him think chimichangas all day long.

I’m sure Mr. Bell could hook him up with a flight on one of the UFOs that the government is hiding out in Arizona. Maybe the aliens can figure out what’s wrong with this guy since no “earthly” doctor can seem to get it right. I don’t even have to go to medical school to figure out this one. Two words pretty well sums it up. He’s nuts.

Another conspiracy theory? Global warming. And it’s all our fault. We are the ones to blame. I hate to say it, but I am not taking responsibility for a giant tidal wave taking over Manhattan, or a thunderous earthquake causing Los Angeles to collapse into the Pacific. If Al Gore would just pop one of those energy-saving lightbulbs in his gob, he’d stop some of those greenhouse gases escaping from his body and provide enough light for a city the size of Sylvania.

I still gotta wonder how much he is personally benefiting from his pomposity on the “global warming” theory.

Puh-leeze.

And what about the cost of oil? You know there is a conspiracy there. Somebody is fiddlin’ around with oil prices because they want Americans to revolt. Americans revolt? Are you kidding me? I can probably name on one hand the number of people who would stop buying gas over driving their car to work. Automobiles are a major way of life for Americans, the cost of gas be damned. Yeah, it tugs at the old wallet sometimes, but you never hear anyone barking about the cost of food going up, or cigs, or alcohol ... if you wanna play, you gotta pay. And we do.

Remember when J.R. was so upset that the cost of oil was below thirty dollars a barrel? He decided to manipulate things a bit by hiring a mercenary to set an oil field on fire. So don’t blame the government or the military when you see some smoldering oil field. I’m sure J.R. is still perched in his leather chair at Ewing Oil barking out orders and paying out loads of Jock’s dough to keep the oil market heated.

And since we’re talking conspiracy theory here, Elvis IS still alive.

I just saw him leave the building.