Men are a mystery – not only to women, but to themselves. The number of books, videos, lectures, and seminars on this tantalizing subject are beyond count. I don’t pretend to be an expert in the field of Virility Explication, but I notice things. And I’ve noticed exactly 5 things that all men have in common. So if you plan on marrying one, hiring one, or living next door to one, you need to heed the following:

Dirty Socks. Men do not believe in bacteria or in bad odors. A slice of pizza falls on the ground and they will simply pick it up, brush it off, and continue eating it. Give them a slice of tropical durian (known world-wide as “stink fruit”) with limburger cheese slathered on it, and tell them it’s the latest food craze in Irish pubs, and they’ll snarf it down before you can say Pepe Le Pew. Men like to wear their socks to bed, and they don’t like to hear anyone yapping about the smell. There is no smell; not to them – just a thick, musty odor that pumps up their testosterone. Men will wear a single pair of socks until even the germs thriving in them give up and depart in disgust.

Drinking straight from the bottle or carton. What’s the big deal? We’re just trying to save having to wash a bunch of glasses. Don’t be such a crybaby!

Remote Controls. Of any kind. They belong to the man. Not the boy or the girl or the women or the grandmother or the kindly old aunt – so keep your ever-lovin’ mitts off that TV flipper! The man opens and shuts the garage door. The man flies the remote-control toy hovercraft. If it’s a flat, black piece of plastic with buttons on it, just leave it alone until a man can take control. Otherwise you’re in for one big hissy fit.

Hot Sauce. Men use it as aftershave, they love it THAT MUCH. Observe a bunch of guys at the local taco joint any evening after work. When their order arrives they start pulling out their own bottles of hot sauce, with monikers like “Devil’s Fart” and "Chunky Chernobyl." As they ladle it on, the atmosphere around their table wavers with the miasma of capsicum vapor. Eyes watering, brows melting like wax; they assure each other what an AWESOME time they are having. If you love your man, there is only one thing you can do for him in this kind of scenario; keep the Preparation H handy.

Deafness. Men hear only what they want to hear. And that isn’t very much. It your sentences don’t have the words “sex," “eat," “drink," or “football” in them you will never be heard by a man – not if you set yourself on fire and yell at them through a bullhorn. Use icing to write important messages to them on cake. Or have it etched on their bowling ball.

Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He is the proud father of eight children. A former circus clown, he currently works in social media and edits the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He can be contacted at torkythai911@gmail.com