Those brainy technicians and science guys just keep coming up with new mobile apps. They pop up like vampires at a blood bank. I’ve got a few app ideas I’d like those geniuses to work on – it would be a boon to mankind if they could create some of the following apps . . .
Fastlane. Every time you get stuck in a slow-moving line, whether at the bank or supermarket or the movies, you are being robbed of part of your life. And your life is important, ain’t it? Well then, with Fastlane all you do is snap a photo of the person in front of you on your smartphone – that photo is instantly sent to the local police station as one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted, with the address where you’re at automatically scrolled underneath. In seconds that person in front is whisked away by the long arm of the law; you just repeat this little caper until you are at the front of the line – and hope nobody behind you is using Fastlane.
Mosquitobegone. How many lovely summer evenings have been ruined for you by those whining little fiends? My app would eliminate these pests by programming your mobile device to emit bolts of electricity randomly throughout the area, destroying the little beggars in a matter of minutes. It might also cause brush fires or third degree burns, but you can’t make eggs without breaking hens.
Snorestopper. It might be your spouse or simply a fellow passenger on a long flight, but whoever it is, they keep you awake and tortured with their reverberating snores. This app works on any hand held device. Nothing to turn on or adjust. You just wait for them to open their mouths and then drop your device in – no muss, no fuss, just a brief choking sensation and then they are awake and quiet again. Don’t try it on people bigger than you, or who have undiscriminating appetites.
TPBrigade. You reach for the TP and there isn’t any. Ever happen to you? Pretty nasty, isn’t it? With this app all you do is dial 119 and a local delivery service is at your door, or stall, within minutes with the needed item. No tipping expected. Squirtit. Those confounded smokers who have to spew their foul stench around you in the park or at an outdoor restaurant or sporting event – they deserve no mercy. This app is probably on the drawing board at Ringling Brother’s clown alley already; a nano water pistol is installed in your mobile device, so when someone inconsiderately lights up you just push a button and a stream of water puts out the offending tobacco reek. If the professional bozos could rig it so a custard pie comes flying out instead of plain water, so much the better!
Nomorelists. This nifty app is for people who are tired of having to read nothing but lists on their favorite blog and news sites. One little touch on the mobile device screen and the author of the annoying list is engulfed in a large, black, hole like in the cartoons. The best part is...AAAAAAAEEEEEEEEIIIIII!!!!
Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He is the proud father of eight children. A former circus clown, he currently works in social media and edits the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org