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What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs?
Tue-3
The dinosaurs have been gone a long time, yet we still talk about them, read about them, study them, and make movies about them. They are a perennial favorite in classrooms and theaters. - photo by istockphoto.com/leonello

The dinosaurs have been gone a long time, yet we still talk about them, read about them, study them, and make movies about them. They are a perennial favorite in classrooms and theaters.

Their allure is not hard to explain. They were big. They fought each other. They may have been covered in feathers.What’s not to like?

And what happened to them, really? The eggheads have given various obscure explanations involving asteroids crashing into the earth and volcanic fissures spewing deadly gasses, but I’m not buying that – are you?

Here are a few modest hypotheses of mine based on a thorough and long-lasting study of such experts in the field as Edgar Rice Burroughs and H. Rider Haggard:

The Paleo Diet. Yup. Dinosaurs were the first ones to try it, when their dewlaps starting bulging and their thighs got a little hefty. Now they’re extinct. Let that be a lesson to you . . .

An Invisible Ink Storm. Back in the old days the heavens were loaded with invisible ink, and when a cloudburst occurred thousands of dinosaurs were immediately drenched and disappeared from view. Eventually, because they were so big and too stupid to ever come out of the rain, they all turned invisible. So they’re actually still around. We just can’t see them. Doesn’t that explain things like people turning into human pancakes for no apparent reason?

They all moved to Rhode Island. Nobody ever comes from there and nobody ever goes there – so how do we know what's there?

They decided laying eggs was old-fashioned, so they tried ordering babies from an L.L. Bean catalogue. (That’s why so many fossil remains are swathed in red checkered flannel shirts.)

Tortured by the arrival of flies, they killed each other while using giant flyswatters.They figured mammals were smarter than dinosaurs, so they elected a lemming as President – and he led all of them over a cliff!

They insisted on using leaded gasoline.

They were all recalled by Detroit.

The Martians have a great sense of humor. Eons ago they salted our planet with a bunch of old bones from their butcher shops, and have been watching the fun ever since!

They didn’t have ears, so when somebody told them to “duck” or “look out below” they ignored them and got clobbered or fell down an old abandoned mine shaft.

They’re all still stuck in traffic on I-95 just south of Washington D.C.They borrowed money from loan sharks and didn’t pay up – and you know what happens when you cross THOSE guys!

Our moon was a lot closer back in those days, so the dinosaurs started jumping up onto the moon, just for the heck of it. Once there they realized there was no sales tax, so they decided to stay.

They developed feathers so big and flexible that when a strong wind came along it just blew them right off the planet!

Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He is the proud father of eight children. A former circus clown, he currently works in social media and edits the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He can be contacted attorkythai911@gmail.com