“I just wa-ah-na be your Teddy Bear, put a string around my neck, and lead me any..where..oh let me be (oh let him be!) yo Te-eh-dy..Bear…” unless, of course, you happen to live in a country overrun with Muslims.

Can’t you see those folks tossin’ that teddy bear around like a hot potato?

“Not MY bear!”

“Teddy is a veddy bad word!”

“I will be beheaded!”

Well, first of all, that silly woman over there in Sudan, Gillian Gibbons, should have known better. With all of the testing and foreign diplomacy that these people have to go through in order to work in a foreign country, she just should have known better than to agree to the name “Muhammad” for a teddy bear. What a maroon.

It probably wouldn’t have mattered what they named it, eventually they would see the teddy as a false idol and she would be going through the same quandary anyway, but instead of 40 lashes (with the strap being dipped in hot oil, just for effect), they would have immediately beheaded her.

See, folks, we just don’t get it here. We don’t. We scratch our heads and think, “What’s all the fuss about?” I mean, we sell Jesus dolls at Wal-Mart. It don’t get any creepier than that. WWJD, you ask? He’s probably up there wondering why a company in China is making dolls in His image.

It’s just a lazy way for parents to get out of having to talk to their children about religion, but that’s my own personal private opinion. Having said that, I guess its OK if you are looking for a way to give your kids a visual.

Now, with those nut bags over there way off yonder that we normally don’t give two hoots about, it leaves us wondering – “what would the United States be like under Muslim rule?”

Forget about that turkey we just had at Thanksgiving.

Almonds and goat cheese would be the official foods.

Sealy, Simmons, and every other mattress manufacturing company would go out of business.

“Here is your pallet, there is your dirt floor. Figure it out.”

Nike, Saucony, Sketchers and Dr. Scholl’s would all be obsolete.

“Here are your woven-grass sandals with small thorns in them, and there are your feet. Figure it out.”

Beaches would be closed. Pools would be filled in. Swimwear would be non-existent.

Miller, Coors, Bud, Heinie … no more.

“Here is the warm goat’s milk, there is leather squeezie thingie. Figure it out.”

Rumpelstiltskin, Sleeping Beauty, Goldilocks and the Three Bears — silenced forever.

“Goldilocks! That burning whore of Satan! She destroyed our country with that bear and his family!”

And are you kidding? Forget about Britney, Christina, Hannah and Bratz!

All they’d be allowed to do is dress head to toe in black sheets and do the Middle Eastern turkey call.

It’s very likely that we would also suffer the indignity of not having our own personal automobiles.

“Here is the donkey. There is the market. Figure it out.”

These are the same people that some of our politicos running for president are trying to make patty-fingers with.

They don’t get it either. John McCain does. Fred Thompson does. They know what is going on outside our little white picket fences.

The world on the other side of the globe is totally different than ours. It is a very foreign, very terrifying, very sad way to live. They hate Americans (and almost everyone else, for that matter) because that is what they have been ingrained to do for years and years. Foreign policy does not work. They don’t understand what policy means, but they sure get the word “foreign.” And it is not a word they like. At all. Be like callin’ someone a “booger.”

When you get your kids a puppy or a kitty cat for their birthday, or for whatever reason, seriously consider the name you choose.

Try to steer clear of Buddha, Mohammad and Jesus. They just don’t sound right when you’re calling your pet in for kibbles ’n bits.

I mean, can you imagine Jed Clampett’s dog being anything other than “Duke?”