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In the months to come, looks like Momma is gonna have to get off her butt and try to find a full time job. Well, maybe not full-time, but definitely part-time.

I’ve been going online and scopin’ out the kinds of jobs that I might be suited for. Mind you, it’s been almost 13 years since I held a regular full-time job.

Many things have changed in that time, in particular, technology.

Twitter, iPod, iTouch, iPad etc.

A whole new language has come about that I still have trouble deciphering.

LOL: I thought it meant "lots of laughs." I was corrected. "Laugh Out Loud."

ROFLMAO:  I was clueless. Totally. I knew what the "LMAO" was just by merely guessing, but I could not figure out what "ROF" was. "Roll On the Floor"... whodathunkit?

JK:  Just Kidding

NoHomo:  When a guy compliments another guy and does not want it to be taken in a "homosexual" way.  "Great shirt, dude! No homo!"’





Don’t ask. I have a 12-year old.

I was thinking that I may have to re-train myself in things like Excel and Powerpoint. 


No one seems to use either programs anymore.

Harvard Graphics.

Yeah. Right.

How about an abacus? I used to know how to use an abacus. Not anymore.

I guess Excel is still being used, but there are so many other programs that have come along since I last worked in an office environment.

I really shouldn’t act so surprised. Most of my time working in an office was spent drawing cartoons and writing ditties about co-workers.

I remember being at one job for about four years — in high finance — when my boss asked me one afternoon, "Do you have any idea what you’re doing?"

I looked at him, rolled my lips around, and said, "Nope. I have no clue."

He thought it was very funny.

He wouldn’t fire me, though, because I was a good worker and I was fun to have in the office. By being a good worker, I mean I showed up for work every day and did whatever he told me to do. I worked for about five people and I kept them happy. I was entering trades and reconciling the report each morning but after about four years, someone in the corporate office started asking questions.

She had to come to our office and sit beside me for a day to see what I was doing. I thought I was doing everything right, but she was pulling her hair out by the end of the day because apparently I was doing it all wrong.

Funny. No one had complained for four years.

Instead, he sent me for training — which turned out to be a total "fail."

Then, after my training and subsequent fail at the testing, the real truth about my job was whispered to me.

They wanted me to be a registered stock broker. It was something that had recently been discussed by the corporate office. Anyone who worked in the office had to be registered. It wasn’t really necessary for my job, but I had to comply.

I actually was doing the  job right, but you know ... because I wasn’t registered, there had to be a way to show me the door without threat of a lawsuit.

I tried the training, took the test and wasn’t interested in pursuing it a second time, and consequently decided to leave. Twenty years ago you could easily get a job without a college degree.



I’ve looked online at different programs that I might be able to become certified in and ay carumba ... all I can say is, thank goodness I’m learning pre-algebra right now. 

You almost have to have some experience in math to do any job.

HVAC. Yes, I have considered that until Hubs said, "Think about the spaces and places you’ll have to crawl into to do HVAC." Ew. Right.

Welding. I think I could do welding. But I’d have to learn how to read a blueprint first. Hello! Math!

Nursing. Math.

Medical Office Assistant. Math.

Chef. Math.

Housekeeper. Math. (gotta know how to count towels and pillowcases)

The Kid suggested that I become CEO of a company.

"Ya think I could do that?" I asked, muting the sound on "Do You Think  You’re Smarter Than A Fifth Grader." Clearly, I do not.

"Sure! CEOs don’t do anything but tell everyone else what to do. They have people do their math for them.

"So how do you reckon they end up earning millions if they have other people doing their math for them?"

"Good accountants who need to keep their jobs."

Ah. Good thinking, Grasshoppa!

"But in the meantime, oh wise sage, what do you think I can do as a part time job?"

He leaned back in my swivel chair, put his feet up on the desk and said, "Well, Mother. I think you had better wait till I’m old enough to get a job. I’m afraid you’re just too far behind to catch up with the real world!"

"Really? Am I really just....history?"

"You’re ancient, baby. Like a dinosaur. Don’t get me wrong, you make a mean biscuit and you’re not too bad at chocolate chip cookies. But as for anything technical ... well ...." he rolled his big fat ceegar around, exhaling smoke signals, ‘I’m afraid you’re just gonna have to stick to what you know best. Workin’ fast food."

"Sorry son, that’s out too. Me no habla espanol."

He got up from my chair, walked over, put his arm around me and said, "Movie theatre usher. It’s all I’ve got...".

As long as they offer free popcorn, it’s worth a shot.