I have never professed to being a computer whiz. I am far from it. So far from it.

I was busy hackin’ away at the keyboard yesterday morning when I heard my computer squeal like a hearing aid does when the battery starts to die, and it kinda freaked me out.

“Whoa, Nellie! Whassup with that?” I wondered, backing up ever so slightly.

I stopped for a minute, after the squealing ended, fingers poised over the keyboard, not wanting to punch in another letter until I stopped sweating.

When it finally ended, I started again and nothing happened. No letters, no numbers, no weird mumbo jumbo appeared on my screen.

I tried everything. I unplugged stuff and rehooked stuff and moved stuff around, checked every little place on my computer where I could feasibly find info on my keyboard and I just had to realize, after an hour of whining and wailing, that it was gone.

I stuck it in the closet with the collection that Sunnybuns now has. Goodwill ain’t got nuthin’ on this child and his collection of junk.

So, off Hubs and I went in search of a new keyboard.

Best Buy, that’s always our tech-stop. The dude talked ad nauseum about keyboards and then proceeded to tell us his life’s story, interesting as it was, we had to scoot.

Got home, hooked it up with great anticipation and ... drum roll please ... nothing.

Huh?

Read the directions. OK. I did that. How hard is it, exactly, to hook up a keyboard? About as hard as turning on your television set. It didn’t work. The computer told me about a hundred times that it couldn’t read the software. Or the hardware. Or whatever the heck it was tryin’ to read. What software? I didn’t get any software with it! Hubs called the company and got some ... um ...’scuse the French ... foreigner on the phone who argued with him about the keyboard. Mr. Smarty-Pants was trying to say that we deed get zum zof’war wiz dees partiklar keybard and Hubs replied, “Dude, got the box right here. No sof’war in zeez bocks.” This conversation lasted about 15 minutes before Hubs just hung up.

“Come on, Little Mama, let’s go!” he hollered, grabbing his keys.

Went to Wal-Mart, as it’s closer, and got another one. Different brand, bigger, less expensive (as is the Wal-Mart way) and wiz zee sof’war.

Deedn’t werk.

You know that “Seinfeld” episode where George screams in anger at the universe and you can hear it throughout NYC?

That was me, after stomping on the box containing yet another ‘non-readable’ keyboard.

We worked on this sucker for hours ... updating, deleting, doing all sorts of nonsense.

Next morning, as soon as the doors opened, we were back at Best Buy to get a new PC. It came with a keyboard.

I got that all hooked up and it worked like a charm, except that the new Windows Vista program makes me dizzy. I like the plain simplicity of XP. I had to keep getting up to go and lie down.

I realized, at some point during this initial startup phase, that I had to get some of my photos off the old PC. So, I unhooked everything from my new PC to my old PC, keyboard included, just to see. Beam me up, Scotty, it worked.

Ah-ha! All this fussin, and fumin’ and asking questions that now made me and everyone I asked look like total dorks, the keyboards were not HP  compatible.

My new HP keyboard didn’t have to run through any software programs, didn’t have to be searched “for new hardware,” none of that. It just started right up.

My new PC is already collecting dust, because I am not ready to subject myself to the carnival ride that is Windows Vista.

I am, however, diligently taping back together the box that I so cruelly stomped on. Someone else might want to have a turn at it after me.