Picture this: me sitting here, rubbing my hands together, flexing my fingers ... working the blood up to my cold little fingertips in anticipation of writing a scathing rebuttal to the Great One’s remarks about Americans being lazy.
It’s a good thing you didn’t pontificate that ridiculous notion in front of Hubs.
Oooh momma! Look out! You done started it now!
You know, Hubs will let go a Ricky Ricardo laugh when he thinks something is funny, loud and long ... enough to make the street lights flicker. You gotta hear it to believe it.
But then on the other hand, when he hears something that jiggles that apple cart of his, watch out.
And although Obama didn’t fingerpoint and call Americans “lazy” — he was actually referring to the way America does business and that American businesses had gotten lazy about encouraging foreign investments — but when an American president says those two words in one sentence, “lazy” and “American,” that’s all people hear.
He didn’t say Americans are too lazy to work, or too lazy to go to their jobs, mainly because there are no jobs to go to. I guess he’s figuring that since he can’t create jobs, foreign investors will.
Again, dump that problem on someone else.
Wait a sec, where’s George W. Bush in all this? His name will surface eventually.
However, I digress.
So in comes Hubs from a long day at work, and I mean a long day. Five hours of overtime. For the second day in a row.
He hasn’t taken his boots off when he turns the news on and he hears the report about Obama calling Americans lazy.
He hadn’t heard the real story, he was only hearing what the media was rewording it to sound like.
Now, when a man comes in and hears that, and hasn’t been fed or watered yet, you know there’s gonna be trouble.
I braced myself for the tirade.
He started before the desk jockey had even finished the sentence.
“Lazy? Why, that piece of ...lazy? I just worked my aspartame off, you dadblamed idiot! Lazy? I’ll give ya lazy! Lazy are all those dangblasted freakin’ homeless bloodsuckers I have to deal with every day who stop their dadburned shopping carts in the middle of the cross walk and I’ve got an A1 (gas leak at a house) to get to and they won’t move! (pulling off boots and slamming them to the floor) Lazy are those fushkinoozhka dangblamed college kids that live like pigs and whine about me cuttin’ off their hot water ’cause they’d rather drink than pay their dangedblasted bills! (Belt whips off and gets snapped in the air ala Wild Bill Hickok) Lazy are these freakin’ hoarders who won’t clean up their dangblastedfreakinsodcarryin’ houses so that I can find a leak and then they want me to move stuff when I can barely squeeze down the path they’ve got mazed out like a buncha dangedfreakinstinkin rats! I’ll give you lazy, you sorry piece of...”
“Would you like some dinner?” I interject, stopping him from hurling his phone into the TV.
“Yeah, gimme some dinner. If he was here right now I’d put this nine-pound boot up his beehind...”
“Well, if you stopped long enough to listen to the story, you would have realized what the story was really about.”
He sits heavily at the little table in the kitchen.
“I don’t care. I heard ‘lazy’ and I heard ‘American’. That’s all I need to hear ... piece of crap pie...”.
See? Told ya.
“He was talking about how American businesses are getting lazy about enticing foreign investments.”
“Even worse! That sorry piece of ... of ... of ... pie...who on earth can afford to do anything in this country? He wants foreigners to take over so he can sit back and say, ‘See? I brought in jobs!’ and at what cost? He’s trying to cram this country down the piehole that he crawled up out of! Businesses can’t afford to do danged here any more, that’s why they run off overseas! I’d like to take him by that weasly little collar of his and drag him around town with me while I’m working (gritting teeth and clenching his fist) and show him just what he’s turning this country into ... a seething pile of crap pie, that’s what! I’ll be so glad to get rid of him ... and all those other idiots that think he’s the great swami, they can take this boot up their backsides too, I’d like to kick them all off into space! But we can’t do that anymore cause they’ve killed off the danged gum space program, too!”
I sat a plate of hot food in front of him.
He didn’t care what it was, it just had steam coming off it so he ate it. Coulda been a plate of hot steaming crap pie, but he wouldn’t have cared.
“I gotta work til I’m freakin’ 75 now, thanks to that sorry piece of..” he started to say before shoveling in another forkful.
“They ruined my 401k and sucked every dime I had in investments. And that wasn’t Bush, that was Oh Bah Ma! Tryin’ to blame it on Bush, but I’ll tell you one dadburned thing, we did well under Bush! And then this freakin’ moron gets into office and it all goes to...” gulping down a swig of hot coffee.
Slam! goes the coffee mug onto the table.
I stand by, leaning against the stove, one arm akimbo.
“Feel better?” I ask blithely
“No! I don’t! I’m so danged mad at him. Hasn’t yet said one good thing about Americans or America. Screw him! He’d better not get re elected or we’re movin’ down to Mexico! I want some of my tax dollars back, dadblameit!”
Look out, Jose — he’s comin’ after that money that helped support your family while you were here!!
He softened after being served a big hunk of chocolate cake.
“It’s not them ... they come here and work as hard, or harder, than I do. I don’t have one problem with them. They’re here for a reason. But if that joke of a President keeps makin’ detrimental remarks about the people who put him in office, he’s gonna wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning when he’s out of work and can’t find a job. Who would hire him? I wouldn’t!” and inserts another forkful of chocolate cake.
So, pay attention, Mr. President.
We know what your resume looks like.
And Big Daddy said there is a hiring freeze.
Hope there’s room for you in the line of the 99.