So okay, you’re a writer and you have a deadline looming over you, breathing down your neck like Bela Lugosi ready to nip – and you can’t think of a single, solitary thing to write. You have that most dreaded of all literary diseases, Writer’s Block! Don’t jump off a cliff or chew hemlock; there are ways and means of overcoming this repulsive condition. Here are 10 surefire strategies to unleash your muse:

Order a pizza. With anchovies. When it comes, pick the anchovies off and line them up in a row on your desk and begin chanting: “Fishy, fishy, briny chaps, can you write for me perhaps?” The anchovies will come to life and write whatever you tell them to. Or not. Nobody promised you writing was a magical experience, did they? So eat your pizza and stop whining.

Pick a word, any word. Write it over and over again, until you become thoroughly sick of that word. It will be the title of your piece. Then go on the Internet to hire some drudge for $5.00 to finish the article for you.

Mix tomato juice with one fresh squeezed lemon, a dash of cayenne pepper, two drops of horse chestnut extract, and a large dollop of ambergris. Shake well until the ambergris dissolves. Then scream -- because if you had a decent sized chunk of ambergris you wouldn’t ever have to write anything ever again; that stuff is worth a small fortune!

Talk out your writing assignment with an imaginary friend. Do it in public. You’ll soon be resting easy in a quiet room with soft, white walls. Go on a short vacation. Say, to the Maldives. Only a year or two. When you get back that troubling writing assignment won’t seem so troubling anymore – if you can even remember what it was supposed to be about.

Embrace futility. Admit that life is short and nasty. Confess that whether you write or don’t write won’t make a bit of difference in the long run. Let the words drool out of your pen or your fingers on the keyboard. Nothing can hurt you if you don’t care. Remember that all colors come from white. And check to see if those anchovies have moved any.

Change your writing position. If you’re used to writing in your home, go to the library; if you’re used to writing at the library, go to a bus stop; if you’re used to writing while standing up, try writing while standing on your head. If you’ve been writing letters, try numerals.

Begin your assignment in the middle. Who needs a beginning and end? Put in an endnote saying that all missing details are irrelevant.

Try writing in Chinese. ?

Gosh dang it, I quit! I just can’t come up with anything else!

Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He dreams constantly about going back to live and teach in Thailand, where he lived for 5 years. He has put his dream into prose form here: http://www.gofundme.com/cmbn6w