Only use organic fertilizer. To tell if a fertilizer is organic, and not made up of a bunch of yucky chemicals, look on the label for these three words: “It’s Organic, Stupid." 

Avoid soil compaction. This is best done by seeding your lawn with sticks of dynamite every other week. It also keeps the neighborhood kids from playing lacrosse on your lawn. 

Mow infrequently. Mow only when Johnny Weissmuller starts swinging through the grass stalks. 

Use an organic herbicide. To tell if an herbicide is organic, and not made up of a bunch of yucky chemicals, look on the label for these four words: “It’s Organic, Stupid – alright?” 

Encourage soil aeration and avoid root rot. Sprinkle your grass with Mennen aftershave lotion, part down the middle, and massage vigorously while singing “I Dreamt I Dwelt in Marble Halls." 

Water deeply. This is best done by locating the nearest hydroelectric plant and asking them to open all the gates. If that is inconvenient, try a rain dance. 

Eliminate brown spots. Try green food coloring or chlorophyll steroid shots. On the lawn, not on yourself! 

Use an organic insecticide. To tell if an insecticide is organic, and not made up of a bunch of yucky chemicals, look on the label for these five words: “It’s Organic, Stupid – nuff said!” 

Keep the blades on your lawnmower sharp. Give it the GMAT test once a month. 

Remove lawn thatch with a rake that has an incline of less than 10 degrees and is not affiliated with any free radicals. Also, make sure your clippers are well oiled and your powder is dry...and don’t take any wooden nickels. 

Never mix seed varieties that are incompatible. What do you get when you cross Bahiagrass with Bluegrass? A religious lawn that plays the banjo. 

Use organic shoes when you walk on your lawn. To tell if your shoes are organic, and not made up of a bunch of yucky chemicals, look on the label for these six words: “Don’t You Feel Silly Right Now?”

Tim grew up in the Midwest. His parents were from Norway. He has written several novels and biographies He works in social media and is a content provider for the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/