Vitamins are organic compounds necessary for the maintenance of health in the human organism. Ever since their discovery in 1910, scientists, doctors, nutritionists, and just about everybody else and their dog has been telling us how much of each vitamin we should consume to stay healthy. But as of today there are only 13 recognized vitamins, and so in the interests of universal human health we now give you some of the other vitamins that have been kept under wraps until recently:

Vitamin LOL: The giggle vitamin. This compound is necessary in order to survive stressful situations such as childhood, school, adulthood, work, old age, and the occasional proliferation of tweets. It can be found in green and leafy baseballs, tortoise shell glasses, gum arabic, and the novels of P.G. Wodehouse.

Vitamin PDQ: Without adequate amounts of this vitamin people tend to slow down and shamble along without much purpose or enthusiasm. Certain vocations seem to drain all the vitamin PDQ out of people, such as convenience store clerking, fiber optic installation, and working for the government. It abounds in catgut, neeps, litmus paper and frozen dactyls. Vitamin Fudd: Named after Bugs Bunny’s famous nemesis, Vitamin Fudd has not yet been found to do anything at all. It just hangs around the body like a cracked Christmas tree bauble, brittle and unproductive – and yet your body can’t bear to throw it away. Our ancestors may have utilized it when they were ‘hunting wabbits’, but nowadays it just gets in the way. The best way to flush it out of your system is to drink plenty of powdered water.

Vitamin Hogan: This tricky customer has been trapped inside your body for years, and yet manages to sneak out every night to blow up bridges and munitions factories. When your doctor discovers it in your blood tests he runs around shouting “I know nothing, nothing!” It is a very widespread organic compound, and can be found everywhere except at the Russian Front. Vitamin Welk: Essential for blowing bubbles and playing the accordion. Many people are allergic to it. The most abundant source is pure corn, followed closely by PBS during fund drives.

Vitamin BO: The Food Channel never talks about this one. It controls body odor. And bad breath. And gas. And sweaty feet. You will always know when your body is producing too much of this vitamin, because the polecats will run away from you like bats out of jello. It also controls the borborygmus reflex. Altogether nasty, if you ask me. It can be found abundantly on moldy garlic and in abandoned limburger cheese jars.

Vitamin Humbug: First discovered by P.T. Barnum, this extraordinary vitamin is vital for all human communication. Without it, we would insult our spouses on a daily basis, get fired from our jobs by infuriated bosses, lose all our friends, and never elect anyone. If you can swallow baloney with ease you will always have enough vitamin humbug.

Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He dreams constantly about going back to live and teach in Thailand, where he lived for 5 years. He has put his dream into prose form here: http://www.gofundme.com/cmbn6w