As I was catching an episode of “Maury” the other day, I realized that I needed to do something about my waning memory.

I had taken advantage of a commercial break to dash into the kitchen for a bag of chips and a Coke, ’cause you know, I didn’t want to miss finding out if the fifth man being tested was the baby’s daddy or not.

I settled back into my chair and muted yet another ad for “Eagle Gate College,” flipped the pop top on the Coke and pulled the bag of chips open.

Hubs walked by and said, “Didn’t you just do that? Like … five minutes ago?” pointing down to the far side of the chair.

I leaned over and there was the snack I’d just gotten a few minutes prior.

I sat back and said, “I wondered what had happened to that.…”

He shook his head and kept going.

After MoPo read the test results “When it comes to 11-month old Jamira, Oceanus — you ARE the baby‘s father!” I tried to remember what the baby’s name was.

I remembered it.

Not five minutes later, but I did remember it at that second.

I got up, grabbed my purse, and hollered out to Hubs that I was headed to Wal-mart.

“What for?” he hollered back.

“To see if they’ve got any memory skills on sale!”

“Think you can find your way to the store or do I need to drive you?”

“No, I think I can manage.”

And off I went.

I came home with a bag full of stuff.

A Rubik’s cube (you know, the cheap version), a book of crossword puzzles, a book of Sudoku puzzles, and that game where the light comes on and you have to push the colors it flashes … can’t remember the name of it ….

So I’m unwrapping all these little things that are gonna bring me around to the great memory I had prior to my drinkin’ days, giving birth and getting married.

I think being married has been the biggest brain-drain of all.

I started with the Rubik’s cube. I turned and twisted that thing for an hour. Then I left it to cook dinner, went back to it because I remembered to take it with me into the kitchen, and fussed with it til bedtime.

I realized it’s not a memory booster.

It’s an instrument meant to help you control your rage and anger.

I took it out to the garage and banged it several times with a hammer.

So much for my rage and anger.

Went through the crossword puzzle book, looked at the Sudoku book for a minute and when I saw all the numbers, I broke out in a cold sweat.

I played the flashing light came with Sunnybuns and he beat me. Several times.

“Jeez, Mom, you stink at this game!”

The heck with it.

I got online and started reading the news.

You wanna test your memory or your reading skills? Try reading the latest news from India or Pakistan.

In this particular case, it was news about the Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka getting gunned down.

Try reading the names of some of these people silently the first couple of times. Then try saying them out loud to see how silly you sound.

When you’re used to saying names like “Bubba” “Jimmy” “Hubs” “Bobby” and “Tank,” some of these names will confound you. They are true tongue twisters.

First example: the leader of the Tamil Tigers who was gunned down was named Velupillai Prabhakaran.

His Americanized name would likely have become “Pill.”

He was smart enough to name one of his sons “Charles Anthony.” Chuck is no longer with us, either, as he was gunned down, right alongside his terrorist Pops.

Here are some other names you might try out: Seevaratham Puleedevan. Soosi and Pottu Amman. Mukherjee. Saren Surendiran. Rajapaksa. Balasingham Nadesan.

I find those relatively easy compared to some of the names you find in Thailand, though these are easy compared to others that I’ve seen: Napatsowan Cholakorn, who was the third runner up in a Thai Transgender Beauty Contest … gorgeous he/she, I must say.

The winner was Sorrawee Nattee, totally beautiful … did not look anything remotely male whatsoever … just looked like a drop-dead gorgeous woman. Murut Sarowat, he was one of the judges of the contest.

Just so you know, these transgenders are called LadyBoys in Thailand, or Kathyoeys.

I only found that news article because I looked up news in Thailand to see what kind of names I could find. I thought it would be an interesting article to read … and it was.

If you find that pronouncing or remembering any of these names is too difficult, just get a Rubik’s cube.

And a hammer.