Every now and then, some great force in the Universe taps me on the shoulder and hands me something wonderful. Something sweet and good and perfect. The little nugget bestowed upon me this week? John Edwards and his LoveChild. Goodie goodie gumdrops!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for that little baby. Cute little thing that it is, it’s gonna have a heck of a time figurin’ out who the daddy is.
Since the former Presidential candidate has backed off and denied paternity (although graciously saying he would take a paternity test ... shoulda coulda woulda...), be prepared for the onslaught of stalwart “do gooder” men that will step up to the plate and announce, “I’m yo daddy!”
First up: O.J.
“Look at that baby, folks. That baby looks just like me. And Rielle looks just like Nicole. How could I not be that baby’s daddy? That baby is almost as pretty as I am”
Right, O.J. I think there’s a hotel room in Las Vegas waiting to pull a sting on you. Better git on over.
Next in line: Anna Nicole’s attorney, Howard K. Stern. Remember him? What a creep.
“Of course that child is mine! I was with Rielle in the Bahamas when she gave birth. Why, we were even in the same hotel room that Anna Nicole and I were in, and that baby’s got a head of hair just like mine. I’ll be taking care of that trust fund, Senator Edwards.”
Mmmhmm. Just you bet on it.
Big Daddy Numbah 3: Frederic Prinz von Anhalt — better known as Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Ex, although you might could get away with calling him “Freddi Prinz.”
“Yah, daht bebe is very possibly and likely to mine because I haf been hahvin an affair vid dat gurl, vot is her name? Ree Ell. Yah. Daht bebe is definitely mine, and I will be handling all of dah money dat she is getting. Daht bebe has my high forehead.” Furreal.
He might be the grand daddy, but definitely not the daddy.
Who else will lay claim to this child?
Bill Clinton? No, he’d never lay claim to it. He was the one pushing John Edwards out of that closet they were both trying to hide in. He is bigger and stronger than Edwards, and there wasn’t enough room in that broom closet for the both of them. One good shove and out came Edwards, with the National Enquirer cameras just clickin’ away. Bill hid behind a raincoat and was keepin’ real quiet.
So, you think McCain had anything to do with it? Nah. Not that he’s too old, he just knows how to keep his butt outta trouble. And besides, what woman in her right mind would sleep with him? Ever seen him laugh? He looks like a little troll when he laughs, poor thing. Gotta wonder what Cindy saw in him. Must be that devilish sense of humor. But like I said, not attractive when he laughs. Makes you wanna grimace and look away.
Okay, who else? Who else wants to lay claim to this little child?
Oh ... wait ... of course. Michael Jackson! He is the one. He has to be the baby’s daddy because no one can do a disappearing act like the Gloved One. Gotta wonder how his other children came to be, because, quite frankly, I don’t think he can do the deed to get it done. Again, creepy.
Am I leaving anyone out? Eddie Murphy? Tom Jones (yes, he did have a child out of wedlock and had a paternity test to prove it.)? Now, I gotta admit. If Tom Jones was the daddy of my child? Girl. I would be all over the press with it. He is still one big ol’ Mac Daddy. Hands down. Yes he does have the lead and knows how to swing it ... gitcher granny on ... mee-ow.
Hubs said he was the daddy. He forgets that he got clipped. Another side effect of that little operation. Memory loss.
Well, I hope when the dust settles over this round of “Honk If You’re My Daddy” that Senator Edwards is proven not to be the father. It will be a big sigh of relief to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Mark my words on that one, folks. I wouldn’t hang with his holier-than-thou behind either. Git on back to that broom closet, dude.
And tell Bill the lab is waiting for his test results. Better yet, wait til Maury does the show. If anybody can find out who the baby’s daddy is, it’s MoPo.