Sittin’ at the Huddle House one morning having a ham ‘n cheese omelette with raisin toast, I heard some folks behind me talking about the state of the economy. Gas prices, biofuels, taking care of the homeless, all the ills that plague our society.
I could tell within about 30 seconds that they were not mere road-weary travelers. They were locals.
I had another bite of my fluffy omelette oozing gooey American cheese and listened to these folks talk about the state of affairs in our country.
Bubba: Harlin, you know danged well there ain’t no such thing as global warming. All them danged Democrats are just stirrin’ up a pot of bull to make us all believe we gotta start reusing toilet paper and coffee filters...
Jimbo: Hold on now. I ain’t heard nuthin’ about that! I ain’t reusin’ toilet paper! One time is all that little square gets! If it don’t do the job the first time, I’ll just pull more off the roll! (insert raucous laughter) Heck, I’d use a coffee filter, too — they’s thicker! (more laughter)
JT: Next thing you know, they’re gonna be chargin’ 10 dollars for a pack of t.p. because it comes from a plant that uses 400 illegals to run the power.
Bubba: Whatchew mean, J.T.?
JT: Danged tree huggers’ll start hookin’ up to them stationary bikes, all them danged illegals’ll be pedalin’ their danged heads off to get them lights turned on! Faster, Hayzoos, faster!
Harlin: Man, you ain’t right!
Jimbo: If they really wanted to do it right? Get ridda the illegals and start usin’ up the chickenshift comin’ outta those chicken farms over in Glennville. Stuff’ll burn like fatlighter once its dried out! I betcha could run a vehickle offa that stuff.
Bubba: Yeah, an’ ever’body in town would know when you drove by, too ... smell ya for miles! “Here comes Jimbo, ever’body! Hold yer nose and wave!”
Harlin: If they’d just boot the illegals out, look at the millions of gallons of gas we’d save.
Every time one gets thru the fence, 15 more are right behind. Fifteen more uninsured motorists. Fifteen more usin’ up electricity, costin’ more for health care, like a buncha dang cockroaches. Hey — they wanna come here and work legally and get citizenship and start payin’ in like ever’body else? I’m all for it. This leechin’ offa us, though. I’ve bout had my share of it. Free school, free lunch, free ride. Not for me, though! I ain’t even got kids in school and it’s costin’ me every year!
JT: Ever even tried to go to the doctor? I quit payin’ health care insurance. It was costin’ me $500 a month, six grand a year, and for what? Nothin. If I had to have surgery, it’d cost me 20 grand or more anyway. Insurance ain’t doin’ nothin’ to help out with what it costs me to go the doctor!
Bubba: Whatchew doin’ at the doctor, JT?
JT: You’re a hemmorhoid.
Jimbo: Mix up a little chickenshift and some baking soda, get ridda that hemmorhoid..
JT: How? Settin’ it on fire after I put it on? (insert loud guffaws)
Harlin: JT, you gettin’ any water out yo’ place yet?
JT: Yeah, them polar ice caps meltin’ have done me wonders.
Bubba: You gettin’ water? My place is still dry as a bone.
JT: I’m kiddin’...I finally built a catch all.
Bubba: A catch all? Whut’s that?
JT: Cistern. Big ol’ tank to catch the rainwater.
Jimbo: Why you call it a catch all?
JT: Cause it catches everything else — birds, tree frogs, squirrels, branches. I gotta climb up and clean it out every day. Danged critters think it’s a water park. I got some screen out in the truck I’m fixin’ to lay over it.
Harlin: I got my shower water runnin’ out to the garden.
Jimbo: How’s that?
Harlin: I put a pipe in my drain to run the shower water out to water my grass.
JT: Is it workin’?
Harlin: Ain’t hurtin’!
Bubba: JT, how you gettin’ that catchall to work? How’s it sprayin’ yer field?
JT: I got 400 illegals takin’ turns on the stationary bike ... pumpin’ power ... faster, Hayzoos, faster!