When you look back over your life, you know ... that moment before you blow out the candles on that big honkin’ birthday cake, some things just pop into your head and make you go “hmmm.” Like for instance:
Anything that has a combination of Crisco and/or butter and sugar is probably not going to ever leave my body. Once it goes in, it pretty much finds a home, either around what used to be my waist, or the lower area around my backside that is now big enough to land a C-130 on.
Just because you vote for someone running for office does not mean that they will actually do everything they promise. Chances are that once they get into office, they’ll forget what district they come from. And it is OK to send them an email and tell them “I know where you came from.” A gentle reminder sometimes is all that is needed.
Oh, and just so you know? Raw steak will not dissolve in Coca-Cola. Don’t waste a good steak trying the experiment, either. Just take my word for it.
If you leave a carton of milk in the fridge thinking you’ll eventually drink it before the expiration date, it will expire before the expiration date. Nothing is a bigger disappointment when you’re pouring a chunky glass of milk to have with a freshly baked brownie. Danggit!
Just because a woman says she is from the South does not make her a good cook. You hear me, Paula Deen? No one could make better fried chicken than Nadine White. Hands down the best ever. And no one ever fried up a bit of rabbit better than Toshi McCarty. She caught me off-guard one afternoon when she told her daughter to call me over for some fried rice — knowing that I’d drop whatever it was I was doing or eating to have some of her fried rice. She handed me a little fried morsel when I walked through the door and I raved about how good it was. They got a huge laugh when I turned green upon hearing it was a little bunny her husband had shot earlier that day. Once I recovered, I discovered how nicely it did go with the sweet ‘n sour sauce!
When your mother tells you “You’ll live to regret it,” believe it.
Children do not come with an instruction manual. All you need to do to keep them happy is keep them clean, well fed, and read them a story whenever they want. Sometimes they get fussy, but for short term relief, stick a DumDum in their mouths and you’re good to go.
Speaking of DumDums, never ever ever travel without them in your possession. One thing I learned about being on an airplane or in a car on a long trip is that kids get bored and whiney. Pulling a DumDum out of your purse or briefcase is like David Copperfield making an elephant disappear before your eyes. Kids will be awestruck and parents will be, or should be, grateful.
People who leave trash in parking lots are just that. Trash. And just because a diaper is neatly folded up and secured does not make it acceptable to leave it in the parking lot. Or in the flowers. Or by the side of the road. No one will think of it as being a “gift” no matter how nicely it’s packaged.
Most women of a certain age or older do not look good with long hair. I don’t care who you are. Sometimes you just gotta get over it and let it go. Same goes for shorts. I’m sorry, but shorts just don’t look good on women over 40. Again, doesn’t matter who you are. Or how tan you are. And no woman over the age of 30 ever looked good in a tube top, so just stop it for goodness sakes!
Don’t even get me started on tattoos. Good heavens. What is the attraction?
If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Very likely is.
It’s never too late to learn something new.
If you forgot to say a prayer of thanks on the Fourth of July, you should probably do it now. Someone, somewhere, will hear it and will be grateful you remembered. Doesn’t matter if they are here now or have crossed over. Being grateful never hurt a thing.
Judge Judy would definitely make a good President.
If there is really something you want for your birthday, get it for yourself. It saves time and will make you happy.
If your child pushes their dinner plate away and says they don’t like it, just remove the plate and give them a slice of bread with peanut butter. Careful with the glass of milk, though.
Chunky peanut butter is one thing, chunky milk is another.