Time for me to come out of my dark hole in the wall that I call my office and do something I am not inclined to do very often.
Critique a movie.
Hubs and I took Sunnybuns to see “The Dark Knight,” the latest Batman installment.
Two and a half hours of one long hummin’ yawnfest.
I would have had more fun plucking the fine hairs off my knuckles.
Getting a bikini wax.
Having a tooth pulled without anesthesia.
Getting my bellybutton pierced. Twice. With big clips.
What a groaner of a film that was ... Lord!
I think I have to put it right up on that dusty old shelf that holds the likes of “Anaconda,” “Pirates of the Caribbean 3” and the latest “Indiana Jones.” Oh man, they were soooo boring. And stupid.
I didn’t mind most of the other Batman flicks, and I particularly liked the version with Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey, “Batman Forever.” The one with Uma Thurman and Arnold — “Batman and Robin” — was good, too.
The storyline has always left a little bit to be desired, but overall, most of them were pretty good.
This particular version?
The only reason I kept my eyes open was to figure out which of the characters was trying to use “The Menacing Voice.” It was just dumber than dirt. And poor ol’ Heath Ledger, cast into that ridiculous role of The Joker. No one has played a good Joker since Cesar Romero back in the ’60s television version. He was just awesome! And Burgess Meredith as ‘The Penguin’? Wahwahwahwah ... brilliant.
There was one part in the movie that made me spit out my mouthful of stale popcorn, quite literally.
There’s a big swanky do goin’ on at Bruce Wayne’s penthouse — he is played by Christian Bale (and he shoulda baled outta doin’ this picture) — and the Joker appears with his henchmen at the fete. Suddenly, Batman swings in like Elvis on stage at the Tropicana in Las Vegas. It is so oddly funny to me to see him strike someone and go down on one knee, like a little kid doing a karate move. I almost choked myself trying not to laugh out loud and Sunnybuns couldn’t see the humor in it. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear Batman murmur “Thank you ... thankyouverrymuch” as Elvis would do.
It was just the dumbest thing in the movie, and yet the most hilarious.
Now, back to Heath Ledger.
Of course, the “tragic” death of Mr. Ledger only lends to the hype that the movie quickly glommed onto. Hollywood gabbers say it was his best role, he played it to the hilt, his most memorable character.…
He was about as boring as a hunk of Spam with a toothpick in it. The whole juiced up tale of him locking himself away for days to get into the role of the character? I do that character every day when I get out of bed. I look in the mirror and there is the hair, the smudged eye makeup, the faded crazy lipstick ... and I’m raspy til I have my first glug of coffee.
“Get me a bomb....” I wheeze at my kid, ‘I wanna blow something up.”
You know — Clint Eastwood in drag.
Ledger seemed to not quite know what to do with the character, so he made him out to be some kind of crazy escaped mental patient. Again, just like me first thing in the morning. Anyone who is a fan of Ledger knows what an awesome role he played in “The Patriot.” Dang. That was a good movie.
I didn’t understand the whole Batman storyline anyway, except that the Joker should have been called “Demolition Man,” because that’s really all he was doing. Blowing stuff up.
Speaking of “Demolition Man,” Wesley Snipes was darn good in that role, and would have reprised it nicely as The Joker.
There seemed to be some underlying story about a Chinese accountant, who ended up in jail, but I never did get the gist of that.
Again, it just didn’t make sense.
As with any movie that has Morgan Freeman, he alone is worth the price of going. He just cannot mess up a movie, he’s way too good.
Michael Caine is in the movie too, as Alfred, and he is just the best, as he’s always been.
The rest of the cast?
If they’d have cast Amy Winehouse instead of Maggie Gyllenhallapalooza, it would have been one heck of a flick.
I’m just gonna sit and twiddle my thumbs now til “Tropic Thunder” comes out.…