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Right out of the Clooney bin
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Now that I’ve cleaned up the tears I’ve been cryin’ into my cookies and milk, I’m gettin’ out my big ol’ whompus paddle. I’m scratching through the names I’ve already got on it, like Rosie O’Donnell, Nancy Pelosi, Sean Penn, Angelina Jolie, people who need a good whuppin. I’m writing in a new name ... Geeoorrggge Clooonnnney.

When I find that ol’ skank, I’m gonna put him over my knee and paddle his foofinanny but good. There has got to be something seriously wrong with that boy! I mean, actually coming out in public saying that Binack Sedaka or Bedank Gironka or whatever his name is (Oh, yeah, Barack Obama, as in “I’ll have a ham and cheese, and top it with some salama.”) is like a rock star? Hello! And um, just who exactly would this rock star be that he is talking about? I didn’t know people actually fawned over rock stars anymore! I mean, not since the Beatles, anyway.

And to think that he said, “You’ve been in a room once in a while with a rock star. He walks into the world and he takes your breath away....” Whatchewtalkin’bout, Willis?

I’ve never been in a room with a rock star, unless you want to count the time I walked in on ol’ Hubs dancin’ around in his shorts in front of the mirror lip-synching to Sammy Hagar...and believe me, that did take my breath away ‘cause it was so awful! But do I really know any rock stars? No. Most of you probably don’t either. No offense, Mr. Gregg Allman, you are a rock star, but honey, I ain’t ever met you.

Anyway, ol’ looney Clooney goes on to say that he prrraised Obama for “speaking out early against the war in Iraq...” Hey boy, I can speak out against it too, but that don’t make me no rock star. And why would I speak out against it? When the Taliban decide they want to come and camp out in Beverly Hills, I will be sure to pull the sight-seeing trolley car right up your driveway, Georgieboy.

Honestly. How can someone who has never served in the military or ridden in a tank with our troops honestly say that he opposes the war? Because he’s an idiot, that’s why.

And he thinks Hillary would make a good President? John Edwards? Even that big ol’ gasbag Al Gore? Eeeeyeewww! Like I said, gotta be somethin’ wrong with that boy. It’s no wonder his films are duds.

And he made two movies “out of anger” that he was labeled a “traitor” for questioning the decision to go to war. Uh, hello, since when did his opinion matter anyway? I don’t think President Bush called to ask him what he thought about it. What utter gall. Talk about someone who totally needs to get over himself!

Clooney does, however, think that change is coming. He says he believes Americans are now in the process of fixing the mistakes of the last few years.

Fixing things, “that’s what Americans have been really good at...” Mmhmm. We are good at fixing things. I’d like to fix him, that’s for sure.

We sure need to fix the mess the Clintons left us hangin’ with. We need to fix the mess the education system is in. We need to fix the mess our healthcare system is in. Yes, our country has a mess of messes.

But the “Friends of Clooney” are definitely not going to be the ones to fix anything. They will simply try to befriend, and be politically correct with, people and countries that have no conception of either of those things and we will be caught right in the middle of some serious bullhockey.

All those candidates are doing right now is saying, “We need to get out of the Middle East! We need to pull our troops out!” But then what? What? Leave our borders wide open so the terrorists can come here? They start their statements off just fine, but they have no agenda to fix anything. They’re just empty statements coming from empty heads.

It’s obvious to me that these folks just haven’t got a clue what is going on in the world or what is going on in their own country. They all just want to wear the mantle that is “President of the United States”... but they wouldn’t know how to handle a crack in a dam if you held their finger in it for them. And that’s what is going on right now.

So, Mr. Clooney, I’m sure Sean Penn is still sitting down there in Hugo Chavez’s office waiting for you to show up so you can give your side of what Americans are really like. You be sure to tell him that Americans are good at fixin’ thangs, because we’re sure gonna fix his wagon, too.

Oh, and by the way, you weren’t very good on “Roseanne,” either.