I feel it’s relatively safe to say that we all know someone that a reality show could be based on. The weirder, the better.
Normally you don’t have to look too far, there is usually someone pretty close to you that you’ve thought “Nutjob,” and wondered why they haven’t been discovered by unrealityTV yet.
There is one person I’ve known for quite some time that would do well on a reality show.
I don’t know if that’s quite the way I wanted to put that ... let’s just say that she is never without some kind of crazy nutjob drama.
If she ain’t got drama goin’ on, she will make some up.
Some examples of past dramatic episodes are:
The banker who tried to swindle the family estate from under her nose.
He showed up after her mother died in anticipation of making off with a few antiques, not knowing that Drama Queen was in the house.
She went out onto the porch with her rifle and said, “I’ll kill you if you step foot onto this porch. You know I will.”
He left and did not return.
She still thinks that he stole a big fat certificate of deposit, but she has yet to prove it.
Another of her dramatic tidbits was the time she got mad at a “friend with benefits” who failed to appear for their mutually agreed upon hookup.
She broke into his trailer and laid a dead rattlesnake in his bed cause she’d found out that he was hooked up with his ex.
He called her at 4 a.m. cussing her out, and she said groggily into the phone, “What makes you think I did it?”
“’Cause you’re the only one I know crazy enough to do something like that!!”
Oh. She killed the snake herself. Walked out to the back of the property with her snakeboots on and her gun ... BANG! ... dead snake.
Another time, she was living in downtown Savannah when she walked in from work one night and found a burglar trying to get out through the kitchen window.
She grabbed him by his feet and yanked him back in, sitting on him while she called the police.
“Yeah, it’s the same dude that was here last time. Come and git ’im...” while hollering at the thief to shut up and stay still.
One night she was driving around with nothing better to do and suddenly found herself floating down the Altamaha in her car.
“I don’t know how I got there ... one minute I was driving and the next thing I knew, I was floatin’ down the river!”
She was always a bit of an attention seeker, and this time her momma and daddy took notice. She ruined the vehicle (I must admit,
I’ve lost count as to how many vehicles she’s “ruined”) and got a little time in the hospital, suckin’ up all the attention her momma and daddy were bestowing upon her.
One classic episode was when she had a friend’s uncle living with her, who’d been hired to do work around the big ol’ place that her folks had left to her upon their passing.
She got up one morning several weeks after he’d arrived to find him standing stark naked in the hallway, asking if she’d care for a little early mornin’ cuddle.
She turned around and went into another room, pulled a sword down off from over the mantle, and returned, telling him to put some pants on or he’d have nothing left to cover.
He didn’t stay around too much longer after that.
One morning, while she was up getting the house geared up and the animals fed, there was a knock at the door.
She let in an older gentleman that she had become acquainted with at church.
She offered him a cup of coffee, wishing that she hadn’t let him into the house, but he declined, telling her instead that he wanted to “take ‘er out fer a biskit.”
She thanked him profusely but told him she had too many things going on to go out for said “biskit.”
She had a beau tell her that if she ever tried to break up with him, he would call the cops and tell them that she had drugs in the house, because he said he’d planted several stashes of illegal substances in places she wouldn’t find it.
Her momma and daddy had also provided several places for her to live. It was their way of preventing her from having to move in with them.
Seems each place she lived was just a little bit closer to them than the previous place, until eventually, of course, she got just what she wanted.
The big house. All to herself. After they died.
“Delta Dawn, what’s that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say, he was a-meetin’ you here today. To take you to that mansion in the sky...?
She’s 41 and her daddy still calls her baby ... all the folks round town now say she’s crazy...”
Well, she’s a little bit older now, but she’s plenty crazy, all right.
Reality TV has no idea what it’s missing...