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Word Butter: Fast food double-downs are making me crazy
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I saw in my Twitter feed that Taco Bell recently introduced its Naked Chicken Chalupa. If you’ve been under a rock and somehow missed all the silly television commercials, here’s what you’ve missed: Instead of the traditional tortilla shell, it’s a fried chicken shell, wrapped around lettuce, tomatoes and cheese, along with some avocado ranch dressing. Yep. This thing is 4 ounces of marinated, white meat chicken, seasoned with Mexican spices and shaped like a taco.

Before we had a chance to wrap our brains – or our lips – around this thing, Taco Bell decided to up their game, introducing a Wild Naked Chicken Chalupa. This one has “spicy wild sauce.”

No one is going to argue that these things are healthy. The original Naked Chicken Chalupa is about 370 calories, 21 grams of fat.

Just as our arteries began to harden, KFC doubles down with its own ticket to Crazy Town – the Chizza. This thing is fried chicken combined with pizza. The base is a fried chicken filet, layered with pizza sauce, pepperoni, chunks of pineapple and mozzarella, then topped off with KFC’s cheese sauce.

Before you double over in pain, bear in mind that this isn’t available at KFC locations in the U.S.  It started in the Philippines last July, and made its way into India, Thailand, Korea and Taiwan. It’s been a big hit there, but we may never see this concoction on American soil.

But have no fear, KFC isn’t biased. The company gave us the Double Down in 2010, remember? It was a sinful, 510-calorie abomination that had two fried chicken buns, with bacon and cheese filling. KFC says they sold 10 million of them the first month of its release. People loved it so much, it was brought back in 2014.

These chains aren’t alone. If you call Domino’s, you can get pizza toppings on fried chicken. Subway will put Fritos on your sandwich. Hardee’s has a Monster Thickburger, with 1,300 calories and 95 grams of fat.

And who can forget the McRib, which is made of…wait…what is that thing made of?

Stop. Just stop. I can’t take any more of these horrible creations.

I need a salad. Covered with toppings and doused in ranch dressing.

Don’t judge.