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How do you put a red-letter Bible on an audio cassette?
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“The Wittenburg Door” has gathered a strange collection of classified ads for religious products that can take some weird turns.

Bible lovers can buy the red-letter edition Bible on audio cassette (maybe it’s also available on CD). “How do you do that?” you ask. According to the manufacturer, “Christ’s words are emphasized in heavenly sounds.” Download that in your iPod and certainly you’ll be filled with the Spirit.

For the spirit-filled golfer, there’s the praying hands golf tees. For the woman who wants her legs to send the right message to those watching, there’s the gold cross fragrant pantyhose, with a gold cross stitched on the calf of every pair.

There’s a salon that wants to hire a spirit-filled hairstylist to “stand in the gap” and a spirit-filled manicurist for “laying on of hands.”

The daffy and dumb don’t discriminate against denominations. There are products for all kinds of churches. For those who baptize infants, there’s the baby tuxedo for stylish christening. For those who immerse believers later, there is the “Baptistry Couch” that lowers you into the water “quietly, beautifully and easily.” Either way, for only $7 you might want to pick up the Jordan River baptismal set, complete with certificate for framing that you’ve used holy water from the Jordan River.

In Missouri, a company advertises Christian Book and Gift Parties by saying, “If you walked into 90 percent of America’s homes you couldn’t tell whether they were Christians are not— but you can change that.” Their solution is to sell Christian books and gifts.

This last ad represents the reason most of these ads are ridiculous. The sign that a home is Christian is not what products they have on their coffee tables, but what proceeds from their mouths as you share a cup of coffee. You can tell the driver in the lane ahead of you is Christian not from what his bumper sticker says but from how he drives.
While there is nothing wrong with buying Christian products, it’s our lifestyle, not hyped up products, that best witness to our faith.

The apostle John said it well: “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18, NIV). No red letters are needed for that verse. It’s clear in black and white.

Copyright 2008 by Bob Rogers. Email: Read this column each Thursday for a mix of religion and humor. For more “Holy Humor,” go to the Web page of First Baptist Church of Rincon at