With the presidential election looming large, I thought I would take a minute to comment on something that seems to be a big part of who gets nominated and why.

Religious beliefs.

I don’t care what their religious beliefs are, as long as they aren’t trying to cram it down my throat.

Now, I’m not trying to steal any thunder from Dr. Bob Rogers’ column over on the next page, cause I think the pastor pretty well “gets it.”

The reason why I’m mentioning this is because someone started thumpin’ their Bible at me recently, and it really rankled my hide. I think the conversation went something like this:

BT (Bible Thumper) scurrying up next to me: Have you been saved?

Me, looking around at the trash cans outside Wal-Mart: Who? Me?

BT (stepping into my personal space): Yes! You! Have you been saved?

Me: Well, I saved about six bucks by buying the Wal-Mart brands.

BT: No. Have you been saved by our Lord, Jesus? (holding up the Bible as if it were the original tablets of the Ten Commandments)

Me (opening a pack of chewing gum): I’m not sure I get what you mean.

BT (face turning red, certain that I was Satan in housewife’s clothing): I mean have you turned your life over to Jesus Christ?

She was a well-meaning woman, I’m sure, but don’t be throwin’ Jesus at me. Jesus isn’t meant to be used as a weapon.

I opened my mouth to say something and then shut it real fast cause I could see a real ugly wrastlin’ match gettin’ ready to heat up.

BT: Where are you going to be when Jesus comes?

Me (working that stiff stick of gum over good): Probably watching “Judge Judy” or “Judge Mathis.” Why?

BT: You’ll burn in the fiery pit of hell if you haven’t given your life over to Jesus when He comes!

Me: Uh huh ... and, (chomp chomp) where are you gonna be?

BT: I’ll be in the glory of heaven, kissing the hem of my Lord’s garment, washing my sins from His feet...bathing in the eternal bliss of my covenant with the Lord!

Me: Really. So ... you’re gonna spend the rest of your life waiting for the actual physical body of Jesus to come down to this earth and swoop you up into His arms and carry you off to heaven ... is that it?

BT: Praise be to God. Praise Jesus.

Me: Do you think Jesus has already been here?

BT (breathlessly): No, the Lord hasn’t come yet.
I could see the big cartoon cloud hovering over her head that was calling me “She Devil.”

Me: And doesn’t the Bible say that he who believes in me will dwell in the house of the Lord forever?

BT: Amen ... amen.…

Me: And do you think that Jesus meant for us to wait our whole lives for Him to make a special appearance — something that people have been waiting for for centuries — or do you think that Jesus meant to believe in Him? Believe in the word He was trying to convey? That if you are enlightened to the meaning of Jesus’ teachings, that you would dwell in His house forever?’

BT: But Jesus is coming....

Me: Jesus is here, sister. To those that believe. To those that will live life according to His words. Everyday another person is enlightened to what Jesus was trying to say but was afraid to, because He didn’t think civilization was mature enough to understand. Do you think you’re mature enough to understand?

BT: I have always believed in Jesus. He is my Savior.

Me (blowing a bubble and snapping it loudly): That’s not what I’m talking about. As you stand there holding that Bible, do you really get what Jesus was trying to tell the people lo those many years ago?

BT: The Lord said that if you don’t believe, you’ll die in the fiery pit of hell.…

Me: Again with the pit. No. Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That was His key message. Love and kindness unto your fellow man. He said that the two greatest commandments are ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.’ and ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’.

That’s all. Simple as that. If you truly believe in Jesus, then you must understand Him when he said, “I am with you.” If you understand that, knowing that Jesus is with you ... everyday ... in your heart, in your mind, in your soul, then you are enlightened. Then you know there won’t be a need for Jesus to come here in physical form when He is here all the time...waiting for you to acknowledge him. There is no fiery pit of hell. God is loving. Only pure and loving and forgiving. Understand what I’m saying?

BT (backing away, holding the Bible on her forehead): Stay away from me. Stay away you wicked Democrat.…

Me (hollering): God bless you, honey! But I ain’t no Democrat.

And God bless you, too — even if you are a Democrat.