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What to do if your cell phone goes off in church
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A man told me he was visiting another church, and a cell phone started ringing during the sermon. It rang several times, and finally a person answered the phone and proceeded to carry on a conversation while the pastor was trying to preach!

It reminded me of the time I was attending a Baptist convention, when a cell phone went off during a sermon. A convention-goer answered the phone and headed toward the door to talk outside. As he was exiting, the man behind the pulpit said, “Tell them I’m not through with my sermon!”

Most of us have cell phones, and sometimes we forget to turn them off or put them on vibration. So what do you do when your cell phone starts ringing in church? Here are three bad suggestions:

1. When the cell phone goes off, stare at the person next to you and shake your head in disgust, as if the ring is coming from him or her. After a while your phone will quit ringing, and everybody will think the other person was the guilty culprit.

2. If everybody knows that you are the cell phone’s owner, answer it quickly and pretend that it is an emergency. You can say, “Really? Did you call an ambulance?” or “Is she alive?” Then run out of the church, and remove yourself from the embarrassing situation altogether.

3. If none of the above will work, you can stand up and announce, “It’s God calling. He says keep up the good work and be faithful.” After all, didn’t God say in Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to Me and I will answer you...”?

The only problem with all of the suggestions above is that they break the Ninth Commandment (you know, the one about lying). So here’s a better suggestion: If you’re in the choir or somewhere else near the baptistry, toss the phone in the water. Or if you’re not near the baptistry, just confess your sin and turn the thing off. Either way, the congregation will appreciate you, your conscience will be clear, and best of all, your phone won’t interrupt your worship again during the service.

(Copyright 2011 by Bob Rogers. Email: brogers@fbcrincon.com. Read my blog at www.holyhumor.blogspot.com.)

Is there a church for a big woman with an itch?
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A pastor was called to be guest preacher at a church. He knew this church was different when the congregation ended every line of the hymn with the shout of “yeehah!”


As he stood to preach, he noticed that people were spread out on the pews. He would see a person, then a space, then another person, and another space. He wondered why nobody sat next to another person, when he noticed on the pew beside each person was a cowboy hat.


Another time this same preacher was invited to a new church in the city. He was surprised to see that everybody there looked like they had fallen face first into a tackle box, because they had piercings and earrings on every part of the body imaginable. A rock band was playing alternative music on the stage.


As different as these two churches were, they were both growing and reaching people for Christ.


Years ago I was pastor of a small country church in the backwoods of Mississippi. There was another Baptist church just five miles away in the town (population 600). The pastor’s wife at the town church asked me, “Why don’t our two churches merge?” I said, “There are people in my church who would not feel comfortable or fit in at your town church.” She said, “Oh, come on. We’re a small town church. What could be so different?”


I said, “Well, I got one really big woman in my church who, when she gets to feeling an itch, she pulls her dress halfway up and she scratches herself.”


The eyes of this pastor’s wife got really big and she said, “I see what you mean.”


I forgot to tell her about another woman in my church who saw a roach running across the wood floor, so she stomped on it with her bare foot, laughed and shouted, “Aha! I got him!”


Yep, the culture was definitely different where I was pastor.


Jesus upset the religious establishment because He crossed cultural barriers. He loved to eat with tax collectors and Gentiles and other strange people. Jesus walked into the land of Samaria, full of half-breed Jews who worshiped in weird ways and talked different and smelled different.


Jesus walked right up to a Samaritan woman at a well and started talking her language. He accepted her culture, but he let her know her sinful lifestyle had to change. Soon she had the whole town following Jesus (see John 4).


So what cultural barrier is keeping somebody in your community from hearing the gospel? If you tear down the cultural barriers to share Christ in your neighborhood, you may hear the angels shouting, “Yeehah!”


Copyright 2014 by Bob Rogers. Email: brogers@fbcrincon.com. Read this column each Friday in the Herald. Visit my blog at www.bobrogers.me.