One of the major investments you will make over a lifetime will be your car. Most Americans start driving by the age of 16, and do not willingly give up the steering wheel until they are well into their eighties, or even nineties! The convenience and efficiency of today’s modern automotive vehicles is not just a marvel, but a necessity! Here are a few tips on how to get your money’s worth out of your vehicle by keeping it in tip top condition:

Change oil frequently. If canola oil doesn’t do the trick, try rice bran oil. If you really want your engine to purr use fish oil. In a pinch you can always try motor oil – although we don’t recommend it on an empty carburetor.

Flush your cooling system at least once a day. This will take you several hours and leave your garage smelling like a wine bar, not to mention the ineradicable stains you’ll get all over your clothes. But if you don't do it every day chances are you will void the warranty on your vehicle and some big husky galoots from Detroit will come by and break your knee caps.

Transmission and differential oils do not need to be changed. They just need to be given a good talking to.

Don’t neglect to clean the underside of your vehicle! You’d be surprised at the filth and grime that can collect underneath that shiny chassis of yours. A mixture of distilled water, glycerin, crushed oyster shell and Angostura bitters, applied with a spatula, will dissolve the toughest grease – not to mention eradicate any evidence of pedestrians.

There is nothing like a coat of wax to keep your car’s paint job looking pristine and shiny. We recommend you use bikini wax; harvest the bikinis when they are young, squeeze them gently so the wax comes out quietly, and promise them anything but give them Arpege.

Lubricate the U-joint, and don’t get it mixed up with the U Thant who was the Secretary-General of the United Nations from 1961 to 1971. (This is what is called a “takeaway” – you’ve now learned something valuable while reading this rigmarole, which will make your life so much better that you’ll want to thank us with a generous gift card from Goodwill Industries.)

Protect your vinyl interior from the sun. What’s that you say? Your interior is leather? Well, la-di-da! You’re probably too good to read this post yourself – why not have your butler or chauffeur read it to you, big shot? That’s what I thought . . . It’s Naugahyde, ain’t it? Hah!

Inspect, clean and repack wheel bearings often. Or not. It really doesn’t matter, since we don’t even know what the heck a wheel bearing is. The guy down at the garage told us to mention them, so we bought him a NuGrape and called it even.

Don’t forget that your brake fluid is hygroscopic. This can be cured with sulfured molasses.

Count your wheels every morning before leaving the house. If your vehicle has only two wheels it is a bicycle. If it has three wheels it is a tricycle. If it has four wheels and flies . . . it’s a dump truck.

Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He is the proud father of eight children. A former circus clown, he currently works in social media and edits the political humor blog http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He can be contacted at torkythai911@gmail.com