OK, folks, I want in on the action. I want to be the superstar sexy diva for Fred Thompson’s ad campaign. I want to frolic and romp around in my next to nothings and sing the praises of my dear Fred online.
Mind you, my next to nothings include a size 3x housecoat from K-Mart and some thick white crew socks...that is me, scantily clad.
“Oh Freddy you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind hey Freddie (clap!clap!) hey Freddie! (clap! clap!)...”
Come on now, people, you know that he is by far the phat candidate — for those of us in the geriatric set. I want to get in a van with about 12 of my buds, all of us crammed in from front to back, waving our flags and singing out loud how much we love Fred Thompson and holding pep rallies down at the Huddle House.
Hey. Girl’s gotta eat, y’know. Can’t be a cheerleader and live on rice cakes!
Ain’t no way Hillary Clinton will win. She just can’t figure out how to dress herself. And hello? What is with that helmet hair??
Ain’t no way Barack Obama will win. Just the name ... too hard to do the BananaFanna song to.
Ain’t no way Rudy Giuliani will win. Just the name … Roodie Goolieannie.
Ain’t no way John McCain will win. He’s just this side of being a little too nutty, although he’d be my second choice. He ain’t no fraidy cat.
There is no way Mitt Romney will win. Too good lookin’. No one will be able to get past that. He would make a good poster boy for Moon Pies, though ... sigh.
Hmm. Any other viable candidates? No. It’s Fred.
Can’t you just see him getting all flustered with some idjit from the Middle East and havin’ to reach across the bargaining table to give him a dope slap?
“I’m not gonna tell you again, Prime Minister...be QUIET!” SMACK!
There is no way John Edwards will win. Too ... well ... ick. Move over, Ann Coulter. I want to give him a big ol’ donkey kick myself for blaming Katrina on President Bush.
Fred is just gonna be the man who won’t take any kind of guff off anyone. He will be the candidate that has one answer for everything:
“Mr. Thompson, why do you think Rosie O’ Donnell should be banned from television for ever?”
“Because I said so!”
“Mr. Thompson, why do you think our troops need to be pulled out of the maelstrom in the Middle East?”
“Because I said so!”
I mean, he just has that kind of presence that makes you not question him.
“Mr. Thompson, why did you pull out our troops and then drop that big ol’ bomb over there?”
“’Cause I knew it would feel good!”
Oh. OK. Well, that would be his second favorite response.
I can also see him doing some devilish things...you know, being a bit of prankster, if you will.
Nancy Pelosi will be up at the podium blathering out her usual rant of garbage and ol’ Fred will commando crawl on the floor behind her and pull her slip down. OH that Fred!
She’ll be yammerin’ and hammerin’ away at him when he’s president and he will simply look at her and say, “Hush!” and she will. Girl! Get down!
Fred is the kind of guy who will “have your back” when he says he’s “got your back.” You know that he is going to be tough, strong, and smackdaddy. When he says “Get jiggy with it,” you know it’s gonna get jiggy.
He’s gonna pick up Putin, put him in a big ol’ rubber band, and FLING! off to the moon. Same for ol’ whatshisface down in Venezuela. D-OING!
That ol’ Titan from Tennessee.
“Oh Freddie you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Freddie!”
Big mama’s gonna take care of you. Don’t you worry...