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The top Biblical ways to acquire a wife
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The Bible says, “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22, HCSB.) Did you hear about the young preacher who prayed, “God, give me a beautiful wife and a big church”? God gave him a big wife and a beautiful church. But at least he got a wife!

Christian comedian Mark Lowry made a list of some really unusual ways men have found wives in the Bible. Here are five of them:

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Purchase a piece of property and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

3. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

4. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

5. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30).

Yes, getting a wife can be hard, but it’s worth it. The Bible describes many strange ways that men got wives. Before anybody writes a letter to the editor, let me quickly add that the Bible is just describing what happened, it is not recommending any of these ways, since many of the men were in sinful lifestyles when they did what they did. Nevertheless, the fact remains that the Bible says finding a wife is a good thing. Scripture urges husbands to “rejoice with the wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18, KJV). So men, be glad you have her, be faithful to her, cherish her, and show her how much you love her. You see, “A capable wife is a husband’s crown” (Proverbs 12:4, HCSB). Mine makes me feel like I’m King of the Hill.

(Copyright 2011 by Bob Rogers.  E-mail: brogers@fbcrincon.com. Read my blog at www.holyhumor.blogspot.com.)

Is there a church for a big woman with an itch?
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A pastor was called to be guest preacher at a church. He knew this church was different when the congregation ended every line of the hymn with the shout of “yeehah!”


As he stood to preach, he noticed that people were spread out on the pews. He would see a person, then a space, then another person, and another space. He wondered why nobody sat next to another person, when he noticed on the pew beside each person was a cowboy hat.


Another time this same preacher was invited to a new church in the city. He was surprised to see that everybody there looked like they had fallen face first into a tackle box, because they had piercings and earrings on every part of the body imaginable. A rock band was playing alternative music on the stage.


As different as these two churches were, they were both growing and reaching people for Christ.


Years ago I was pastor of a small country church in the backwoods of Mississippi. There was another Baptist church just five miles away in the town (population 600). The pastor’s wife at the town church asked me, “Why don’t our two churches merge?” I said, “There are people in my church who would not feel comfortable or fit in at your town church.” She said, “Oh, come on. We’re a small town church. What could be so different?”


I said, “Well, I got one really big woman in my church who, when she gets to feeling an itch, she pulls her dress halfway up and she scratches herself.”


The eyes of this pastor’s wife got really big and she said, “I see what you mean.”


I forgot to tell her about another woman in my church who saw a roach running across the wood floor, so she stomped on it with her bare foot, laughed and shouted, “Aha! I got him!”


Yep, the culture was definitely different where I was pastor.


Jesus upset the religious establishment because He crossed cultural barriers. He loved to eat with tax collectors and Gentiles and other strange people. Jesus walked into the land of Samaria, full of half-breed Jews who worshiped in weird ways and talked different and smelled different.


Jesus walked right up to a Samaritan woman at a well and started talking her language. He accepted her culture, but he let her know her sinful lifestyle had to change. Soon she had the whole town following Jesus (see John 4).


So what cultural barrier is keeping somebody in your community from hearing the gospel? If you tear down the cultural barriers to share Christ in your neighborhood, you may hear the angels shouting, “Yeehah!”


Copyright 2014 by Bob Rogers. Email: brogers@fbcrincon.com. Read this column each Friday in the Herald. Visit my blog at www.bobrogers.me.