As I think of the experiences I’ve had running a DivorceCare program and speaking with engaged couples in pre-marital counseling, the term “soul mate” comes to mind. I do not recall that phrase because it is something I ask about up, such as, “Do you think your spouse or fiancé is your soul mate?” Rather, I remember the many times those in counseling used this term to describe their feelings toward another person.

Please understand that I am fully aware there are attributes that attract people to each other. Those attractions can be very strong, and that is a good thing. And I also am completely clear that some couples have more difficulty than others, due to many reasons (demographic and cultural differences, etc.) maintaining a stable relationship. However, there is a cultural myth underlying “soul mate” — a seemingly positive and innocuous phrase — which carries with it something quite insidious.

You see, the culture sells us an idea that there is one person out there for us. Now, on one hand if I am completely honest, when I think of the fact that God has a plan for us and often that plan involves an intimate loving relationship with someone else, it is hard to completely disagree with that cultural message.

But, the culture takes it further. Not only is there one person out there for us, but that person is the only “right” person and we need to keep looking until we find that right person. Moreover, we will know we have found that right person when we are perfectly happy in the relationship.

And there is the problem.

It’s this latter cultural message, which is drummed into our heads, that is a lie and leads to a lot of behavior that reflects the worst of human nature. From distraught girls in the back seat of a limo being driven away from their “soul mate” on the television show “The Bachelor” to Congressman Mark Sanford’s (R-S.C.) infidelity with his Argentinian “soul mate” (recall his Appalachian Trail hiking story), we are sold the notion of the existence of a singular “right” person for us. And therefore, when we become unhappy in a relationship, we have evidence that this is not our right person and we then need to look around to find our right person.

The idea of “the right person” comes out in many of my pre-marital counseling sessions. What I explain to couples is that, when God is part of the mix, the landscape changes.

God’s love for us changes everything. And we experience those changes — a new landscape of intimate, joyful love in our lives — when we love our spouses “as Christ loves the Church” (Eph 5:25). And how is that? Sacrificially, deeply, completely, in not only words, but deeds.
Rev. George Crane describes a counseling session in which a wife came into his office full of hatred toward her husband. “I do not only want to get rid of him, I want to get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me.”

Dr. Crane suggested an ingenious plan. He told the woman, “Go home and act as if you really love your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him. After you’ve convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bomb. Tell him that you’re getting a divorce. That will really hurt him.” With revenge in her eyes, the woman smiled and exclaimed, “Beautiful, beautiful. Will he ever be surprised!”

And she did it with enthusiasm — acting “as if.” For two months she showed her husband love, kindness, listening, giving, reinforcing, sharing. When she didn’t return at her next appointment, Rev. Crane called. “Are you ready now to go through with the divorce?”

“Divorce?” she said. “Never! I discovered I really do love him.” She had loved her husband as Christ loves the Church, and her actions had changed her feelings. With God, miracles do indeed happen in marriages.

To be sure, what I am describing is not easy. It is also never perfect. But such an orientation to love and marriage means that we don’t walk away from each other in search of an illusion. It means we must seek God’s help to undergird our marriages.

So, let me answer one of the messages from our current culture with a message from the Bible. To the question, “Is this the right person for me?” The answer is: No. Nobody is.

But if spouses love each other as Christ loves the church, we become the right people for each other. And then miracles happen.