No pastor likes to see a divorce, though we certainly understand they are a reality of life. We are in good company as Jesus did as well. Still, we do all we can to care for those going through the difficulties associated with a disintegrating marriage — or any relationship, for that matter.
Yet, when I speak with other pastors about counseling those in broken relationships, they tend to reinforce my regret that we didn’t get a chance to catch some problems earlier. I will never forget counseling one man who, when I asked why he would not agree to marriage counseling, said flatly, “Pastor, I am done. There is just too much water under the bridge.” I was too late.
Fact is, there are issues that are poisonous in a relationship, things that could be identified and caught early, before damage is done and people mentally and emotionally move on.
Dr. John Gottman, noted professor of research on marital stability and analysis, once performed a study that focused on two questions: (a) “What makes for a satisfying marriage?”, and (b) “What predicts divorce?”
What he found is that four factors stood out that were the most destructive to relationships and the biggest predictors of divorce and separation. In reading his predictors below, you might like to evaluate your own relationships.
The first divorce predictor Gottman calls “Criticism versus Complaint.” Gottman explains that it is perfectly fine to complain, such as, “You said you were going to get home early enough to pick up the kids, and when you didn’t, that was difficult for me.” That is a valid complaint and is focused on the action or lack thereof.
But in criticism, you are really implying that there is something inherently wrong with the other person. You have taken a problem between you and made it part of that person’s character or personality. A critical statement would be, “You never stick to a schedule” or “You always take me for granted.” When we criticize, we use words like, “You always,” or “You never.” Criticisms tend to be generalizations, such as, “Why are you so…?” Avoid criticism and make any complaints specific, direct, and action-oriented.
The second divorce predictor is contempt. Contempt is attacking your spouse’s sense of self with the intention of insulting or psychologically abusing him or her in some way. It is, in effect, a statement or nonverbal behavior that puts you on higher ground than your spouse. Mocking your partner, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt.
Gottman considers contempt as the most serious. Couples have to realize that these types of put downs sarcasm, hostile humor, name-calling and mockery — will destroy the fondness, admiration and respect between them. And it is much easier to divorce someone for whom you have lost respect.
Gottman identifies defensiveness as the third divorce predictor. There are many ways to act in a defensive manner. If you see yourself as a victim of a perceived attack and then “cross-complain” — launching your own complaint and ignoring what your spouse said, that is defensiveness. So is making excuses, pointing to things that were supposedly beyond your control that forced you to act a certain way.
The problem with defensiveness is that it keeps spouses from taking responsibility for problems and escalates negative communication. Even if your spouse is criticizing you, defensiveness is not the right response; it only perpetuates a bad exchange. The antidote to defensiveness is to try to hear your partner’s complaint, and to genuinely take some responsibility for the problem.
The final divorce predictor is stonewalling. This happens when one spouse withdraws from the conversation (physically leaving or shutting down communication) as a way to avoid conflict. This can become a destructive cycle as one person disengages, causing the other person to assume they don’t care enough about the problem to talk about it; the cycle involves one person demanding to talk and the other looking for escape.
Spouses who stonewall (men are good at this) may think they are being neutral, but stonewalling conveys disapproval, disconnection, distance, and even smugness. The “silent treatment,” changing the subject and monosyllabic utterings are no way to solve a problem through communication. If you need to disengage for a while to gather your thoughts, explain that, and then make an agreement to discuss the problem as soon as reasonably possible.
The issues above are like poison; they kill. While most relationships will have some of these elements in them, these factors do not exist in healthy relationships nearly as often as in troubled relationships.
If you find your marriage or serious relationship to contain some of these poisonous elements, evaluate fairly the damage that may be occurring, and consider seeking professional help to re-orient your relationship before there is “too much water under the bridge.”
