Sometimes, the cause of our unhappiness is the picture we have in our head of how our life is supposed to be.

Years ago, when I was training in pastoral counseling, I would regularly meet with my mentor to discuss my cases (without mentioning names or specifics). On one occasion, I recall describing the difficulty a woman was having in her marriage as the man she’d just married did not turn out to be what she had expected in a husband.

My mentor looked at me and, in a manner in which I took to be advising me how to respond to this woman, said, “You cannot expect out of someone what they are incapable of giving you.”

Now at the time, I thought that was kind of a Yoda-like, bizarre, abstract statement that may make sense someday — or maybe not. I just smiled and nodded politely.

But, I have come to find out that my mentor was right.

That statement comes to mind this week as the Church celebrates Holy Week. This week, we once again come to grips with the consequences and fall-out of the false expectations of those following Jesus some 2,000 years ago. The crowd leading and following Jesus expected a political and military revolution, but that’s not what Jesus came to do. And very soon, their cries of “Hosanna” became “Crucify Him!”

Yet, it strikes me that all too often our troubles arise from having unreasonable or false expectations as well. In fact, many people seem to continually struggle with a sense of unhappiness and despair because the reality of their lives does not match the expectations they had for their lives.

For instance, in relationships there may be an unrealistic expectation that if people truly care for each other there will never be conflicts. Or perhaps that over time the influence of one person will change the other. Not likely to happen.

In other cases, people can suffer from feelings of resentment because they believe and expect that life will be fair to them. When it isn’t, anger builds, and frequently God takes the hit. Again, unhappiness builds.

For those who are particularly concerned about what other people think of them, well, we have a lot to discuss. But for now, the idea that everyone should like you is an unrealistic expectation and leads to nothing but frustration and worry.

In addition, we may expect that the acquisition of some “thing” will make us happy. “Things” can make life more fun and comfortable in the short-term, but they can’t make us happy in the long-term. To expect our life will completely change for the better because we were finally able to build our dream house is naïve and a sure path to disappointment (especially once something breaks in it).

Monthly, if not more frequently, I encounter college graduates who explain to me how incomprehensible it is to them that someone as wonderful as they are does not have employers lined up to hire them. Again, unrealistic expectations that lead to unhappiness.

False or unrealistic expectations can even set us up for failure. Those who believe they should be perfect parents from Day One may begin to doubt their abilities and become disheartened if — actually, when — they find themselves at the end of their ropes and second-guessing their parenting wisdom when caring for a screaming, inconsolable child.

How can we overcome the pitfalls of unrealistic expectations? I think the first step is in realizing we have them. When my mentor looked at me and said, “You cannot expect out of someone what they are incapable of giving you,” I think what he was saying is that we ought to always look at our expectations in any relationship.

We may be expecting perfection, or for that person (including ourselves) to be someone they simply are not or cannot be. And that leads to disappointment, unhappiness and despair all around.

But here is the interesting thing. When I am talking with those who I see as having unrealistic expectations (about themselves or others), I ask them this question: “If you were counseling a friend and heard them say what you just told me, what would you say to that person?” Invariably, they respond with statements like, “Well, I would just tell them to lighten up,” and “Give yourself a break!”

Yes, sometimes the cause of our unhappiness is the picture we have in our head of how our life is supposed to be.

The bottom line? First, try to be the best person you can be. Second, remember that there is only one perfect, holy God, and that position is filled. And third, when expectations get out of hand, give yourself a break.

Despite the unrealized expectations of those following Jesus, Holy Week ended on a pretty good note. With God in the mix, your life will too.