I don’t want to offend anyone by the tone I am taking with this week’s offering, however some of you reading this may find yourselves turning around and looking over your shoulder because you’ll think I’m watching you.
If you feel the fickle finger of fate pointed at you, you’ll know you’ve been “observed.” Women do not dismiss these things lightly. We take notes. We remember. And we often call attention to these things.
These are some of my own observations, as well as others that have been handed down and discussed around a cooler of cold ones.
Let us begin.
Why Men Are Happier People:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. You allow a washer and dryer in there by special permit. Otherwise, everything else is off limits.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. While the bride sweats, whines, moans and groans about every little detail, including the ridiculously expensive bridal gown, you merely need to just show up wearing the tux you rented for a day.
The world is your urinal. Who needs to stop at a gas station when you can stand behind an open door on your vehicle?
People never stare at your chest when speaking to you, unless you’ve dropped mustard or ketchup on it, in which case you either clean it up with your finger (and eat it) or you just don’t care.
You are not prone to mood swings.
Phone conversations are usually under one minute.
You know how a toilet works.
No matter how long a trip you’re taking, it never requires more than one suitcase. A comb and a razor are all the cosmetic accoutrements you ever need.
Your hairstyle lasts for years. Possibly decades.
If a pair of pants is too big, a piece of rope lashed around the waist will fix it.
If a pair of pants is too tight, leaving the button unbuttoned or the zipper unzipped will suffice.
You care nothing about the hemline of above mentioned pants.
You can wear shorts anytime, anywhere.
Your version of a manicure kit comes in a pocketknife.
Scratching in public is not considered rude or crude. It’s just done.
You do not feel the need to be nice to people or have people like you.
You can walk into the store for one item, and leave the store with that item only and nothing else.
You can use a riding mower naked and never go “Ow!”
You can fall asleep anywhere. Anytime.
You can walk around in your undies or just in the buff, and not worry if the neighbors can see you.
You can do all of your Christmas shopping without a list, and generally on Dec. 24, and generally in under an hour.
If it was allowed, you would go to work shirtless.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they are still your friend.
A cup of coffee is drinkable as long as it doesn’t have a cigarette butt in it.
Same goes for beer.
Your utility drawer contains only the following: duck tape, superglue, a hammer, and a screwdriver.
Bleach? What’s that for?
A map? What’s that for?
Not shaving IS an option.
Going “commando” does not make you blush.
No pocketbooks, purses, totebags, shoulder bags, or carry-alls to chase around.
A kick and a bang will fix most appliances.
Wrinkles add character. (You will almost never see a man standing in front of a mirror pulling the skin on his face back ... that is almost exclusively a “chick thing”).
You don’t buy birthday presents unless forced to.
Hair color — or the lack thereof — is never a problem.
A broom works just as well as a mop.
Getting ready for a date entails the mere act of putting on deodorant.
You think ketchup or barbeque sauce goes with anything.
Ice cream is meant to be eaten from the carton, not a bowl.
Make up is not necessary when you’re laying in your casket.
There are many others truisms that apply to this particular topic, but given the amount of space allowed me for this column, I’ve tried to hone it down to some finer points.
I know that if I ever need to know who has made the mess in the kitchen, I simply have to follow the trail.
There, at the end of it, sits a man.