I was sitting numbly in front of the television the other night watching the news, which I don’t often do because it’s the same old same old. Gas is up, the cost of living is up, housing prices are tanking and people who were making $35,000 a year bought houses that cost over a half mil. Wah. So sorry for you. Not.
So anyway, I’m sitting there watching and there’s a lady talking about the “demolation” done to their town in Arkansas from the tornadoes, and I thought, “Hmm. ‘Demolation.’ That’s a new one. A combination of ‘demolition’ and ‘annihilation’?”
I tried to think of some other ‘original’ word combinations I’d heard, or just inappropriate word usage from the files of my sister, the gubmint employee. She works for the Labor Board, and some of her witnesses have pretty good imaginations.
For example: “deflamation” of character. That means your colorful personality is going down in flames.
What about getting fired because of some “trunked” up charges, as opposed to ‘trumped’ up charges.
“I was fired because they were trying to incinerate that I was taking too many sick days.”
Yeah, I guess they’ll light a fire under you if you miss too many days. Hmm ... get set on fire or be out sick ... which one will I choose...?
“They way they treat people in this place is an abolition.” I gather the witness meant “abomination,” but who knows. Abolition is a word you just don’t hear anymore, anyway. How did they manage to come up with it?
“Degeneritized” for denigrated.
“Opposed” for oppressed.
One of my favorites from the sister files is: Intesticle Fortitude.
Apparently the witness was some guy who had a lot of you-know-what to proceed with his complaint against the company, and he wrote in his statement that he was being “baptized” (chastised) for his “intesticle fortitude.” You go, dude!
Another fella complained that he was being made the “escape goat” for a series of issues that kept cropping up within their organization. Can’t fence him in ... he is the escape goat!
I remember a good one that took place over 30 years ago. My best friend was over, we were just hangin’ out ... nice gal, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. One of the brothers came in and started giving her a hard time. He said, “You are one of the dumbest homo sapiens I have ever known.”
Her eyes just about fell out of her head. She gasped and looked at me wildly saying, “Did you hear what he just called me? He called me a homo sapien!”
My eyes just about fell out of my head and I said, “I know! Do you know what a homo sapien is?”
And suddenly the look on her face became very suspicious. She cut her eyes at him, then back at me and said, “I think I know what a homo sapien is...” and brother said, “What is it?”
She nodded and said, “I know...”
We started laughing and he said, “It’s a human being, you idiot! As in “man?” ... walks upright?...homo? Sapien? Not homo-homo!” Duh-ee-buh.
She slapped her hand to her forehead and said, “Oh!” and started laughing her tail — oh wait, that’s right, she no longer had one ... evolution — she started laughing her guts out.
Another time same brother was giving her a ration of whatever over something she’d said and asked her a question. I can’t recall the question, per se, but the answer was priceless.
“It just donged on me,” she said.
And of course, we laughed until we nearly threw up.
“Oh,” said brother, “it donged on you all right!”
It goes right along with another friend’s ex-husband who had written her a long letter that we sat and laughed at all night long.
He was “hopping and praying”that they could still be friends, so in between beers that night, we would put our hands together and hop around her kitchen. Hilarious. And he did say that she was a good mother to their girls, “no dough about it.” As she said, “Well, that’s true, because I’m certainly not getting any ‘dough’ out of him for the girls!”
The trials and “stipulations.” Being “cornstopulated” (constipated, ‘cause sometimes corn will do that to you). Being put to sleep with “amnesia” instead of “anesthesia.” And I think that sounds like a good thing, going to sleep and not remembering it.
“They said I died on the operating table, but I don’t remember it because of the amnesia....”
And remember, when things don’t go right, you can always put it this way: “That don’t make no do.”
But right now it’s lunchtime. I think I’m gonna go have me some fried skrimps. They’ll go good with a nice cold Coca Rola.